Life Behind the Camera

Goodbye Blogger

2005-03-26T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am going to try out Livejournal for sometime, my username is "Nalour".

To the annonymus commentor: I am curious as to who you really are. Please tell me before graduation on June 9th.

So goodbye for now blog.

Love,

Ruolan

Flipping life off

2005-02-27T12:30:00.000-08:00

What the fuck am I doing with my life? Now that Mock Trial's over, I really really really need to start caring more about school. but its extremely hard to go back.

Last night was fun. Muchos love to Pod, Jod and Lod who came to pick me up after I called them about Mock Trial. We went to Tai Villa and just talked about random stuff. It was nice to laugh with friends and eat good food at the same time. The rest of our night was kind of crazy, we went to coldstones and got some ice cream, which i'm pretty damn sure is spiked because Jod fell off her chair, causing all of us to roll around on the floor laughing, i stumbled out of the place into the parking lot and just collapsed when i heard some random person say behind us "geez i'm glad i'm not drunk".

On the way home, "Mr. Brightside" was on the radio so we turned the stereo up full blast. Drove uber slow cuz all of us are dancing to the tune. Flipped cars off as they passed us honking and did other crazy things that I will cease to recap here --> will regret/mull over them when i'm "sober". Ha. Seriously though, 5 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours + losing regionals + crazy friends + cute green bug+ music.. what the fuck do you expect me to be doing? studying for calc?!

I'm sick of living my life in a pattern, but this is kinda taking a toll on my grades. Must find a way to balance work and play i suppose. But crap tis kinda hard. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm LIVING it maybe?

Case Adjourned

2005-02-26T17:44:00.000-08:00

We Lost.

Like last year, I wasn't rooting for state or anything, just sad that, well, i lose that special connection. It seems that I'm losing connection everyday of my life, but what the hell, I am establishing new ones, even if its uber slow in the process. What semi-gets me is that the white team scored higher than we did, and sean silbert had the nerve to rub that in our faces. Fucker. The navy team is going to kill him the next time he opens his fucking mouth.

To commenmorate the ending of Mock Trial, I will post some pictures tomorrow, but for today, I'm putting down the entry I wrote nearly a year ago, a day after MT ended:

"I spent most of today in a daze of sadness that Mock Trial is over. I am so proud of my team, we did such a good job, I am proud of Pyle, Ryan, Dusty, our witnesses. I am heartbroken that all of the work we put in to our case, meeting twice a week at Adam’s house is gone. All of our fun jokes, our times spent in Adam’s kitchen with Pizza, lounging on the red chairs and scooping ice out of the icebox are no more. Its like yesterday severed off a special connection, a bond between all of us. We are back to our separate lives that didn’t interfere with anybody else’s. It’s like we met at a fantastic crossroad, now the light is green and we have to go on our separate directions again. We were a team, we supported each other, helped each other and joked with each other all the way to regionals and now, nothing is left.

I guess I feel this way, because I am only child. I never have close connections to other kids around my age; therefore I treasure every bond, every team that I am on. (I probably should do sports but the thought of being terrible at something daunts me). I feel loved and special when I was still part of MT. I felt that all of the sudden, I have 14 other brothers and sisters. Yet now, I am back to sitting in front of my computer, in my quiet quiet house, with no one to talk to. I am back to blending into the background of 1200 students, back to no-one-noticing me. Despite the stress to do good during the last 2 months, I had a lot more laughs and smiles. I felt like I belonged somewhere, that I belonged in Mock Trial, part of the team. Now, I am back to being stuck between China and USA, part of nowhere, part of in-between island in the middle of pacific ocean. It just makes me sadder that the rest of my team is not doing Mock Trial next year,

Just when I think I might have liked someone on our team, if I was around him more. But I guess not… back to Xiaopao, the hopelessness and nothingness… such is my life, my circular and pointless life. As the bus drove us back from Salem, I stare out at my window, hearing the Navy team chatter excitedly and feeling happy for them. Glancing around to see the disappointed faces on the White team makes me feel terrible.

I feel hollow, I want to cry but couldn’t and that feeling is eating me out." ~ Feb. 29, 2004

So how did it go this year? We fucking did our best and that's all that matter. Dusty's closing was no less than fucking amazing. Pyle is.. as intense as always. Greg surprised all of us by pulling his direct together during the last trial. And of course, the witnesses were fantastic! Me? I think I definately did better on my opening today than any other scrimmages/practices. The only sad part is seeing the faces of Jack and Rod after we lost. Damn, its like seeing the faces of two anxious parents and their disappointment when their children didn't make it.

I'm gonna miss it all. The courtroom. the yellow notepad. the thrill of standing before the jury. the "WTF" expressions watching the other team. mondays and wednsday nights. 7-eleven and its sour slurpees. Jack's bellows. Rod's cool calmness. Dusty (and Casey's) stupid face and Pyle's random assortment of objects that he always carries around. Devin's hair. And of course, my two Mock Trial Chicas, Megan and Libby! <<<333

So ends a chapter in my life. Goodbye Goodbye, parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.

Male Strip Club: Bring it on

2005-02-23T20:34:00.000-08:00

Haha. Um.. quite an exciting day. In Yearbook I assigned Joe to Tennis but he decideds to be difficult and tells me he can't do it cuz he's playing baseball. So here's how the conversation went:

Me: Joe, The reason "tennis" and "baseball" are spelled and pronounced differently suggests that maybe they are different sports and since you don't PLAY tennis, you're going to take pictures!
Joe: Okay, let me try to put this into perspective for you, so ur at this tennis match afterschool, u watch the ball go back and forth and every once in a while you hear this little "kink" and guess what that is... oh! Its the baseball team practicing AT THE SAME TIME!
Me: Its called why don't you skip baseball practice once in a while! You only have to go to two games!
Joe: Okay, lets try this again, what are the chances of you walking into a male strip club?? Zero! My chances of skipping baseball practice is as high as you going into a male strip club!
Me: So, if I go to a male strip club, you'll go take tennis pictures?
Joe: Yep! If you take a picture of you in a male strip club, I'll skip baseball and go take tennis pictures!

Well, Guess what Joe. I'm going to do that JUST TO SPITE YOU. That's right, you think there's something I am too "afraid to do"? Well think again, I'm going to go just to see the look on his face when I show him the pictures!

So for Mock Trial. It went alright, my dear teammate (s) decides it'd be funny to steal my yellow notepad while I was taking a drink of water and write obscene things on there. I had to grab it out of Alex's hands cuz I'm paranoid that somebody will magically attain the ability to read chinese and find out the crazy things I had written on it for the past month whenever i was super bored on trial. I hope we do well though, at regionals.

Anyway, after practices are over I had to stay behind cuz Casey said he wanted me to take the binder and take roll for the bus ride down to salem. I asked for a ride to 7eleven so that I can meet up with Megan for a ride home. Oh, and guess what, the city league guys are there as well. *dies* Yeah. What are the odds of that. Damn. Please don't let the hubbub start again. Dusty and Megan are also there, thankfully. Anyway, the guys soon left and as Megan and I was about to leave. Guess who else shows up..? BEN CHILDS. That probably was the highlight of my night, he had a giant slurpee cup that he's going to fill up. *grins* Oh Ben...

I miss last year's MT team so bad. I saw 3/4 guys who made the MT video tonight, haha. I don't really care if we make it to state or not. I seriously want to dye my hair blue, spike it and wear fishnets on saturday just so I can see Jack getting a stroke and heart attack. Blue hair. Spiked. Ohmygodhowmuchwouldthatrock.

Why do I even bother GOING to school tomorrow? Hon. Chem's BS, Duden isn't even going to BE there tomorrow (hang out in the bandroom wahoo!). And Bio/physio can just go to hell. As for me, I need to go to a male strip club before tennis season's over. Oh yeah...

Staring life at the back of the head

2005-02-22T15:35:00.000-08:00

I thought that the F on my math test will make me care more about school, but i'm feeling more apathetic than ever. What is the point of going to school? What is the point of earning the As and Bs when really, you fail at life? I wouldn't be at school if it wasn't because of all my friends that are there to laugh with me, and in all honesty, I am afraid to leave HS to college because i'll be losing my dearest friends. And what is the point of college? of more learning? the endless amounts of worthless work from here... till i retire.

Its hard to go back to caring about everything when the curtain's come off. I don't take pride in getting As anymore, just like I don't feel shame when I get Fs. Because really, grades, GPA, class rank say nothing about me as a person. i can write essays, understand cellular respiration and take derivatives...wow. i feel so much better. so much more worthwhile. i am such an accomplished person. -__-

I went to the Bandroom today during PAS to talk to Pod. while the band is playing some celtic song both of us just talked about how we hate always staring at the back of heads of people while they stared somewhere else. Rather, its more like staring life and the world in the back of the head. Wondering when someone will turn around without me having to tap them on the shoulder.

Graded labs all morning in Hon. Chem. Did nothing in PAS. Was falling asleep in Bio.. and in physiology even though we had a test. LOL. Wanna go randomnly driving around Portland tonight, even though I have a billion HW stuff I need to do.

Catch a falling star

2005-02-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

Mock Trial was fun. I loved seeing everyone dressed and looking very suave. Though, was definately kinda embarrased when my dad dropped me off and decides to wave to a certain person on the team who also happens to be standing outside. Ahem. *dies*

So, after I got home Lod and I had this great convo about how much our clueless-chinese dads embarrasses us at the most awk. situations. I mean, i shouldn't be complaining too much, when my parents are my age they thought Mao was a god and memorized every one of his articles for literature classes. And here I am, going to 24 parties and school dances. Quite a jump, its amazing that my parents understand me at all.

I was walking from Ryan's house toward Nadia's car when I noticed how beautiful the moon and the stars are tonight. I dunno if Westlake is just so much brighter but everything around Ryan's house was bathed in a soft yellowish light as we're walking back. Definately peaceful and content and maybe a little zen sprinkled in there somewhere. Maybe, one day i'll not have to stop for anything, I'll continue walking forever in the moonlight, tip my head back, count the stars and let my feet lead me wherever the road goes.

C'est la fucking vie

2005-02-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

House of Flying Daggers was.. weird? There basically was no plot, just a series of action shots with random makeout scenes in between. Kind of awkward ahem. But I loved the photography, Zhang Yimou's films always as the most beautiful scenes. The Jin guy was H-O-T minus the fact that he's part taiwaness and part japanese.

Kinda not looking forward to next week, I mean, i'll have to get up at 5 on sat for regionals which I'm kinda scared of cuz i'm not sure if my opening's good enough. I dunno, it seems like we had a lot longer to practice last year. And I'm worried that Pyle will come after me with a knife if we don't make it state. Although, I am going to take my camera this year and take a lot of pictures. Oh yeah, spring sports starts next week. I've decided that i'll assume no responsibility for any sport and will just randomnly show up at the sports i'm interested in, like *ahem* track on a very hot day. ^___^ Hehehe

I randomly ran across the song "I will remember you" by Sarach Macahlan (however u spell it) today. It makes me so sad to think that we'll be graduating in less than 4 months. I mean, i understand when people say that they're ready to leave LO but for me, 4 years is the longest i've stayed in ANY school. Hard to believe? I spent 3 years in China, 1 year in parkrose, 2 years in david douglas, 2 years in portland school d.

It always amazes me when people say, oh i remember him in 2nd grade. I wished that I could've known some of my friends here at LO for much much longer. I wish I could've grown up in one place with a group of friends that I've known since kindergarten so that I could be a part of the exciting memories and be able to laugh at them years and years later. But alas, I can only say "remember frosh year...?" and "oh, i wasn't here in junior high".

And what of the people I knew since birth or since the first day of first grade? We've grown so far apart that half of the time we spend together is updating each other on what's going on across the pacific ocean. Its either they explaining youth communist society to me or me explaining SATs or winter formal to them. They have such a hard time understanding that schools allow dances over here that I can never convey to them the feeling of actually BEING at a dance or standing on the sidelines of a football game.

I wonder if I'll ever find a person that could understand me without me having to explain everything. I wonder if there really is a person out there who knows the song of my heart without asking any questions or someone who understands the real me even if I do not say a word.

So far, its looking like there isn't. C'est la fucking vie

I got my ears pierced!

2005-02-18T22:59:00.000-08:00

See the earring? Wheee!

Yes yes, it didn't hurt as much as thought it was gonna hurt. it was cool! Finally have some sort of piercing on my body. Next step? Cartilage? Tattoo? We'll see.

But.. Now, i can go earing shopping with friends. w00t w00t. This afternoon was a blast, took the bus to downtown portland (with jod and lod) and shopped around pioneer + powells. Yay for trimet! I was really bummed that i couldn't go to Torrey's tonight, but my mom wanted me to stay home friday night since i will be gone tomorrow.

Not so much hw, but a lof thinking and a lot of things to sort out this weekend. LOL. although i feel like shit whenever i hear both songs, i think its doing me some good to listen to them a lot. It'll just make them into two ordinary songs, though, they'll never be ordinary, I think the "mehness" is going away little by little.

Music just killed me

2005-02-17T20:47:00.000-08:00

Damn.

Pod, u were right. I should'nt have listened to those songs. Not so much the last song but the first one you told me. Damn, I started out trying to read Heart of Darkness, but i ended up hugging my knees with my face buried in my arms. I didn't cry, but I felt worse than I have felt in weeks. A sadness so suffocating that I feel dizzy.

And to think I've made some progress, in less than 2 seconds I am back to where I've started. But no, even now this is a "wo xiang huidao na tian wanshang" kind of pain rather than a "wo xiang na ge ren" pain. Which is good, because the former is a lot easier to get out of.

I just need to stop and never listen to that song again. Damn, I need a happy song.

So um.. since I've been seeing this everywhere...

2005-02-17T19:14:00.000-08:00

You Are Ariel!

Headstrong and fiesty. You have a mind of your own that's full of romantic dreams about the world around you. Exploring exotic places is your ultimate dream, and although you can be a little naive you'll realize that there is something to be gained from your family's wisdom.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

This is the story of a girl

2005-02-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

Wow, first day this week that I didn't have to go somewhere for Mock Trial. I am majorly slacking off in school, got my first F ever in Math , probably failed the bio test that i haven't even read the chapters for. What worries me is that I'm not worried at all. Went into talk to Dodson today about what's been going on in for the past two months. Like always, his words are amazingly comforting and encouraging. I think i'll pull it together this weekend and actually do work next week.

Our scrimmage against franklin went well, though i must say pyle's taking on that motion to strike thing. Took lotsa pictures! Yay! Dunno, our team feels, i guess not as close as last year.

Yes, this week has been a big relief. Most people have lay off the whole "matchmaking" thing now so that I don't have to avoid people and can actually sustain some type of conversation. Although because of this saturday night i've been getting comments AGAIN. *sigh* must i say this again. I don't like him, Whoever u think "HIM" is. End of story. Goodbye.

Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T15:52:00.000-08:00

*Grins* T'was a very sweet day. Got lots of candy and two roses from friends (lol, still have to figure out who gave me the second one). But thanks, for the love, for the support you guys have given me in the past 2 months, for showing me that someone does care... for everything.

Love,

Ruolan

To Escape the mountains of Homework

2005-02-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

Inspired by Pod's pictures on her LJ, I decided to randomnly post pictures that have been sitting in my computer for way too long. Enjoy!

Yes photoshop

No really, Who is that?

Take a guess on what these are.

Took this at in China. Dunno the name of this flower in english but it only blooms every five years and only at night

Blurriness but, I like this view outside my window

Tried to capture the rays of the sun, but my 2.0 mega pixels just wouldn't do it. Oh well, this is as close as its gonna get

Check out my photography skills. Grand Canyon from last winter

Me, Jod and Pod in Pod's very very cute..ahem.... car

Mini Mock: Megan gives the thumbs up as we watch the chartruese plaintiff team

The city league guys

Navy Seals at the Halloween game. How cute!!

Alas, I leave you with, first day of High School, frosh hon. English. (scary, I know)

Maybe everything isn't supposed to make sense

2005-02-11T22:35:00.000-08:00

Think i've definately gone backwards in time in the past week. *sigh* I hope everything gets better next week and I actually can concentrate on my work seeing as i really need to start paying attention in a lot of classes. But there's so many things going on besides school that... I am really really trying hard to make myself care about grades, college...(oh so junior year) and class rank (oh wtf, i got kicked off my spot), ha. Really though, fuck school.

Lod's right, I see parallels between what's happening now and what i have done a month ago. But, this is not something i want to see or accept. cuz, i feel so pathetic and desperate (?) if i were to indeed think of everything that way. 这可能吗？ Is it possible to have 一个人随时都在你眼里，心里 but not to have 那个人注意到你 at all? I wish there is an definitive answer so that i wouldn't have to guess anymore dammit.

Well, every strand of thought would've ended last week if it wasn't because of the people bothering me about it online (and at school) and that insanely annoying annoynmus person who seems to have disppeared off the face of this earth leaving me with a joke. *supressing all urges to start bitching* Hokai.

Anyway, tonight's fantastic. Went randomnly driving around with Pod and Jod. Whee! Though, sadly, we didn't stop at any of the xiao's houses (xiaopao really doesn't count though). I actually was brave enough to try out a new ice cream flavor at basket robbins! Think the farthest we've gone is to westlinn, we were gonna sneak into a Mcdonalds playland except there's a bunch of weird guys in there. So we decided to go buy some flowers at safeway. Yeah. Remember the cute valentine's day cards second graders send to each other every year? Ahem. Didn't know they were that perverted.. or is it just me.. Randomnly bought and ate pie!

Was good night. Going to bed now. ~__~

If there are clouds outside my window, then I have my reasons to fly

2005-02-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

Me: i need you to hit me again
Sarah: how hard?
Me: hard enough to knock me out for a week
Me: because i'm having a hard time keeping my imaginations down to earth
Sarah: imagination shouldn't be limited to earth, it should soar into the heavens
Me: if i can save myself from flying then i can save myself from falling
Sarah: but if you never fall, you can never fly..
Me: so, its worth it to soar high into the heavens, believing that clouds are solid structures and fall when they turned to vapor upon your touch
Sarah: ah, but that's where your silver wings come in
Me: there are no wings to save me, i can only look to super glue to glue my shattered shell back together after i crack to pieces
Sarah: nice reference, but we, as your friends, will put out blankets and pillows to soften the landing
Sarah: only you can put out cannons and knifes

Rang wo wang ji ni

2005-02-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

I'm being silly again. LOL. I'll be alright once the morning's here, it just takes a little bit of time...

Its scary how much my life have changed in the past two months. Do I wish that it was the same? Maybe. I used to complain how orderly everything happens and wished that something interesting would spice up my life. Is everything better now?

I've been home since 3 and haven't done any work. What is happening? Why is it so hard making myself care? I can't concentrate on anything, maybe because there is simply too many questions in my mind, too many uncertainties. I think i'm going backwards, so many things are driving me up a wall these days and i can't keep confused strands of thoughts straight and i end up not working.

Next week doesn't look good, math test monday, franklin fulldress scrimmage tuesday, rewrite due wednsday, bio test thursday... *sigh* Oh right, its valentines week. great.

Oh yeah, I got into USC. -__- good for me. Now i just have to write back and tell them, sorry but i'm not going there.

17/20 Day

2005-02-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

I graded labs for most of Hon. Chem this morning and discovered that, wow I am pretty mean, most people are getting 17/20s. I'll be nicer next time i suppose. Although, they do get kind of boring after the first 5 and i get pissy when they don't put sources of error on there.

First senate meeting went alright today, though the band next door's driving all of us up a wall with the piccello or whatever you call it. LOL, Keegan snuck as a representative from Gillespie's 4th period class. Wow, I am actually assuming a "leadership" position after being Junior communist class vice president in 2nd grade. How amazing.

I felt really guilty about missing MT tonight, especially since I heard a lot people got killed by Jack (again). Poor Devin, he had to do his, mine, dusty and megan's speech all by himself. But i heard that Jack and Rod liked what devin read of my opening. That's good. I just need to do a good job by myself before our scrimmage again franklin on tuesday. Ahem. Memories from last year, lol.

Best Quizilla Ever!

2005-02-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

Sweet Milk Pocky! You're an elitist, since you're
not really suited to the American taste. You're
sweet, as your name implies, but sometimes you
do get a little haughty.

What Kind of Pocky are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Precious Pocky

2005-02-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

So this morning I walked into Hon. Chem and Austin Mccune motioned me to go over to his desk. Wondering what's going on, I walked over and he said in Chinese "Ni Hao Piaoliang!" (You are so beautiful) . It took me a moment to realize what he was saying but that literally made my day. He's so sweet and adorable! Awwwww!! And later on at the 24 party, he showed me a picture of his exchange buddy that taught him chinese and said "Ta hao pang", I pointed at him said "ni hao shou" and we both burst out laughing. The rest of the crowd was like... did we miss something. Oh Austin!

Anyway, I was talking with Sarah online when she suddenly asked me "who's this person that wants to marry you", I'm like, huh? She tells me to check my blog and after almost every entry, an annoynmus person left comments. They were very nice comments but I was getting kind of paranoid about this mysterious person. So who are you really? Are you one person who left all those comments? Or are you a group of people who thinks its funny to play a joke on me? I know this probably sounds terrible, to assume what you've said is a joke but... from all the comments (assuming its you are the same person) you don't really match up to anybody i know from MT or English class.

Anyway, MT tonight was so helpful. I worship Rod, at least, better than Jack who yells our heads off at what we did wrong instead of telling us how we could make it right. I think I'm gonna miss the next meeting because of Chinese New Years! Thinking about emailing Jack and say "dear Jack, i'm gonna miss the next meeting cuz I have to blow firecrackers outside my house" LOL. But don't worry, I will use a fuse.

Two favourite (oooh the briddish way of spelling it) snack foods today: 7-eleven sour slurpees that Megan and I got after the MT meeting AND the Pocky sticks from Uwajimaya. They are so gooood. Am addicted ^____^

2005-02-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Mysterious Person:

Thanks for the sweet comments on my past entries, but who are you?

Moon and Chocolates

2005-02-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

Again, I am surprised at what the moon does to me. Definately a week before I feel so cranky and stressed and I hate life. And all the sudden, I sleep better than I've ever been sleeping in a month, I have an appetite and I feel cheery and good humored. The gloominess of today normally would've affected me, but because of the moon I am so full (mentally) and at peace with the world. And strangely, I have this craving for chocolately stuff.

It looks like I'll be going back to China by myself this summer and probably staying with Kobe's family. Though, I secretly wish that everything can workout and Sarah can go back to China with me... that'll be so incredibly awesome! ^___^ Just making me happy thinking about it. Okay now with this thing that's been floating around LJ for awhile now, here's your chance:

1. If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.

2. I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

Then post this in your Journal and find out what people know...or don't know about you.

And the light turned green

2005-02-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

I decided to accept the nominations of class senator today in English. WTF, its senior year and I might as well find out what happens during the monthly (?) senate meetings.

I think I'm losing it. I picked up my phone to dial to China but after dialing the phone number everything went static and some how I heard two people's conversations over my phone... in spanish?! Quickly hung up. Later on, when I tried to call Sarah, I dialed the phone of one of my chinese school friends and her mom picked up. I didn't realize it until a couple of sentences into the conversation that... wow, this is not Sarah. Oh my god, kill me now. But it gets better, I also got a call from the US Marines (?!) asking me to sign up for ROTC. LOL. I told them that I'm not an American Citizen but the guy told me that it really doesn't matter.. Okay... I think I somehow offended the phone gods.

I talked to some of my friends in china online today. Everyone's so happy that its chinese new years and they're on winter break. Comparatively, my life is very dull and...patternish. Though tonight was fun, hung out with Mere and Vanessa and Torrey for a lil bit. But anyway, I actually figured a lot of things out tonight and I think I'd better write this down when my mind is as clear as this. Regardless of what I have said before, I have thought it through and I am going to say this once: I don't like him. I like a person in my dreams, and for three weeks, he took the form of that person because I've allowed my imagination to go too far.

But now I'm back (for the time being) so please please don't... matchmake..? Irregardless of how "cute" we look together and how "happy" it seems... my life is not a romantic comedy where we all know the happy endings before we begin. And it just hurts more to coin some lidealistic story onto reality, rising into pink fluffy clouds and then falling on sharp jagged rocks. No, i'm not feeling that terrible. But a sweet sadness that you feel when you've woken from a beautiful dream and you wish that you could've been in that dream a little longer.

The curtain is off, ladies and gentlemen of the jury and I'm off to find my own, idiotic, incompetent prince who got lost, took the wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

2005-02-03T22:30:00.000-08:00

I miss my friends in China and I have this crazy impulse to pick up the phone right now and call them up. It is 2:30 PM across the pacific right now and i think they are on winter break. I wish I can just run away to China where I can eat all the good food I want and shop for cute little things all day.

I need a vacation from my life. Wanna get married and run away?

Ms. However

2005-02-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

Mock Trial went alright, everyone did a lot better actually. My opening still needs help but Jack said it flows better now. Somehow, I tend to use the word "however" whenever I'm nervous. Its like, I don't even hear myself say it but Jack catches it and coins me as "Ms. However". That caused everything to roar with laughter of course. -___-'' Thanks, that'll be something to remember for this season of MT. hm.

Oh, sidenote: Jack and Rod aren't too happy with Casey's tone of voice during his cross so they told him to take another tone and maybe soften it down a little. So Casey started talking really soft voice that creeped all of us out so bad. LOL. Seriously, we are looking at each other shuddering when he used that tone of voice. He sounded like, he's planning a murder of someone sitting in Jack's office. Haha.

While I was still in my rational lawyer mode, I decided to think things over. But I keep getting distracted, lol, I hate the other part of me. So, to undistract myself, I decided to write reasons down (in chinese of course) on my yellow notepad while Pyle and Greg are dealing with objections are other things. But yet again, my 'reasons' turned into nonsense-ish rubble. And Jason Cook was looking over at what I was writing and I was paranoid about him somehow attaining the skills to read in chinese so, I just stopped and took notes on what's going on. I am know everything for sure now, that is, in my brain. But I need to do a better job at persuating myself and really, the yellow note pad didn't help.

In other news, I got an email from Rob today. He finished his first big scary high school final exam practice today. And... got the highest score in the city. He's going to Beijing University for sure. Wow. Anyway, he said he actually got to spend more time with Dudu now, even though it is impossible for them to be together. >_____< Why do real life have to be so sucky and stupid?

Famous Last words: Don't worry, its not loaded

2005-02-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

Today started out being really gloomy. Still not too happy about last night and Ms. Harvester had me clean white boards all morning. During PAS I worked on my opening, nearly finished it before the bell rang for bio. Meh. Really mopy during that period for... many many reasons.

Turns out, I actualy did set the curve for the physiology test. I feel so bad. I didn't need it but I still had to do a study guide for it cuz I had nothing else to do that night. Seriously thought Andrew Berne and Gabe Millier (?) are going to kill me cuz they said before the final that they will. They later told me that they're kidding, but I still feel so guilty. *sigh* I dunno, I hope people don't see me as just being a nerdy, dorky "A+" grade person. I try hard in bio, physiology and calc because I love the material taught. Not just because I want the GPA or rank or anything. *sigh* Anyway, Not too happy of an ending to my day.

Anyway, I spent the whole night working on MT stuff and sent the finished draft to Dusty and Pyle. Again, Pyle extensively corrected my opening. I appreciated it though, he's a good "grammar" editor and he had pretty good suggestions on what to improve on. I just hope I can get the thing semi-memorized for tomorrow. *crosses fingers that the practice will go better*

Gosh, is it only Tuesday? It feels like it should be a friday. I think that 24ness on monday really screwed my "scholastic" clock over. Didn't understand math.. AT ALL. Going in early to Dodson's to seek help on the series and sequences stuff. Haven't gone to take pictures in a long time (by that I mean, in...3 days). Need to plant to attend some basketball games for the future.

I actually feeling a bit better about everyting, dunno how long this euphoria will last since I've been having gigantic mood swings lately. But here's another happy quote from Sarah: "Famous last words: So, you're a cannibal". ^___^ LOL.

Objection Speculation

2005-01-31T20:13:00.000-08:00

Wow. Can you say a bad practice? If Jack had a gun, we'd all be dead now. First off, my opening was PAINFUL (thanks coach pyle). And kudos to all those that had to sit through and cringe for 5 min. Um. yes What are we going to do? Our team is so not ready and regionals is in less than a month. Going to state? hm.. doubtful.

I don't know, one second I am sure of everything and another second I am up in the clouds again. But there will be no more speculation after tonight, thanks. I'm a failure at life. I have problems with normal conversation because I don't understand enough of America to speak. And nobody else understands enough of China. Enough of me.

I have too much imagination and not enough guts. The higher I fly the harder I fall. I can feel myself falling. >.<> Going to sleep.

Why do I fucking care?

2005-01-31T17:09:00.000-08:00

Fuck. This is NOT supposed to work this way. Why? Why after trying with all my might to forget it, I remember it again! Dammit, I really am succeeding too! I really was ready to give everything away, store everything in memory for next semester.

No, I must not believe it. It is just a joke, just a way of expression, just a hypothesis. Nothing is going on and nothing will ever happen. I must knock some sense into my brain. *Bangs head on wall* Okay, we're good... *breath in*breath out*

*sigh* My friends (and myself) are sorely tired of my topic of conversation. There is no reason to go back to it. Its over...actually no, nothing ever began, so it can't be over. Yes.

I'm good. I'll go make a sticky note full of reasons and I'll feel better.

Today was nice. Mere and Vanessa and Torrey asked me about whether everything is true or false. I told Torrey most of it in Yearbook, though dear Mere, I promise to tell you as soon as we're alone. So, I was talking to Sarah as usual before AP gov started and Stuart walks in and asks me this totally inappropriete question, one those, the more I try to talk, the more suspicious he is type of question. So, I quickly ran out of that room.

DK is so angry with me for taking the senior pictures home to scan cuz they wouldn't work with school computer. but WTF, I don't give a damn. Why should I care? No, I don't. Nope. No.

2005-01-30T22:49:00.000-08:00

That's it. I have had enough. Why speak when you know the person doesn't give a damn. I feel like shit, always talking, always waiting for a response. Always trying to find something to share, something to talk about.

I am not a fucking beggar waiting at your feet for some empathy. Though I suppose this is none of your business is it? I'm not blaming you, why should you care? You probably wanted to tell me to go fuck myself a long time ago. You have no obligation to care. And I have no obligation to share myself to someone who wouldn't appreciated it. I'm sorry to have put you through this torture.

Goodbye.

Random Thoughts

2005-01-30T15:32:00.000-08:00

POD picked me at at 1:30 yesterday so that we can go...or I can go take pictures of the city league basketball game, lol, after spending 15 min trying to find a way to get in to Waluga. T'was alright, the boys lost but that's okay cuz I got some pretty good shots. Now I just have to go to a girls game and I'll be done with basketball. Hm... which Spring sports should I take?

Chinese New Years is coming up! And according to the lunar calender so is spring! I really hope things start looking up with next semester. My mom has pulled through the past 8 weeks and I hope, pray that nothing new will happen. I really don't care what other colleges accept/reject me cuz I'll probably end up going to one of the two colleges that I am accepted to already.

Sunday afternoons makes me sad. The extra defense MT meeting turned out to be a Mick-and-dusty-make-dirty-jokes meeting, though I hope it helped Scott much more than it helped me. My Dad wasn't planning on picking me up, but I def. called him and said "there's a bunch of weird guys here, they'll probably kidnap me if I ask for a ride... come get me please".

On the drive home, my dad has this beautiful CD in from a classic Chinese movie/book called "Dream of the Red Chamber". One of the songs was describing the death of cherry flowers and it was so tragically beautiful. Like the death of ophelia in shakespeare. But all of the sudden, I realized that, wow, nobody besides me and my parents understands the beauty. Fuck, its definately one of those, I can't explain it feelings. There's so much of both America and China that I don't understand and it doesn't help being reminded of all the things that sets me apart.

I am actually looking forward to class tomorrow. Not sure about MT, still have to rewrite my opening, LOL.

WWJD

2005-01-29T15:57:00.000-08:00

So let me ask you this question, how would you feel when you grew up knowing that your mother's lap will always be there for your tears and three months after your eighteenth birthday, you come home at 11 PM and your mom comes to you crying. How would you feel when you have to sooth the hot and trembling hand of someone who, with those hands calmed my fevers and nightmares?

How would you feel when your mother is begging, pleading you to stay near her. To not abandon her, to live with her even if you're married? And guess what, it is only four months after my eighteenth birthday. The middle of my senior year when I first start to not care about anything and just want to party like crazy.

Could you go about with your afterschool activies with a peace of heart knowing that your mother is counting the seconds till you get home? Could you go to college knowing that she's crying for every hour that you are away from her side?

I am only eighteen and I'd like to have fun with my friends. I want to go without worries to a college that I love. I want to come home after a bad day (like today) and... just cry into my mother's lap. But instead, I came home and tried to comfort my mom, who is so lost. So frail. So hopeless about the future. She sees no point in life. Since I will be leaving her in another six months, even if I go to UO, I'll still spend time away from her. And no, I am not and will not be her little girl anymore.

I am looking up application information to Lewis and Clark and PSU. I know my mom feels too bad to ask me, but it would make her feel so much better if I can pretend to be who I was two years ago. It would cheer her up if I stayed at home during college and pretended I did not grow up. Frankly that is a small price to pay for all the sacrifices she has to go through for me.

Can anyone understand? I come home dejected because the boy I am interested in doesn't give a damn about me and I couldn't find enough topics of conversation to actually keep a convo going for more than a minute. My friends don't give a damn about what I have to say either. I suck at Mock Trial. I am constantly reminded of the fact that I fucking don't belong anywhere. But Why the fuck do I care? I have my mother at home who needs me to smile for her no matter what happens.

And guess what? I get scolded by a fellow teammate (for doing so bad on my opening) who friggin thinks MT is da world. And I got to listen to another self-centered, ignorant classmate rant to me about how his life has been to smooth and how he can't find any adversity in his life. Oh, as a bonus, one of my best friends thinks the end of the world is here because of a B.

Fuck school. Fuck grades. Fuck standardized testing. Fuck my life. You say I have changed so much. How the fuck can I not fucking change when you know i've been through how much I've been through for the past four fucking months!

I don't want to grow up. I don't want to shoulder the responsibilities that comes with growing up. I'm still eighteen and despite what my dad says to me every day on how I am a grown person now. I'm still a child, I am still in high school. I haven't done all the things I want to do in high school and now.... it seems to late to start because I'll have to grow up...whether i want to or not.

The Xiao Hunt

2005-01-28T22:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight was spiffy! The game was ok, didn't really feel like taking any pictures since Joe's there with his uber cool camera and pretty much got everything covered. So, I talked with Ginny for most of the time! After the game, LOD and POD came to pick me up and to drive me home. But I really didn't feel like going back to staring at my computer the whole night, so we *ahem* took detours, going around and around westlake and looking at houses and just talking in POD's car!!! Wheee!

Then, (since we DID pass by xiaopao and xiaodai's house) I proposed that we go to xiaohao's house. LOL and we did it. JOD helped us by looking up the address and directions on mapquest and we drove all the way there in the rain and darkness. By far the randomnest and craziest thing I've done. ^______^ Nearly got stuck on the driveway, LOL, laughed so hard at the possibilities of what are the most horrible things that could happen to us as we're trying to back out.

Anyway, we then drove back to LO, had ice cream at basketrobbins. Wish I could've gone to sleepoever with LOD and POD but... I feel guilty enough getting home at 11. Definately want to do something crazier than tonight, maybe drive around till 12 PM!! Next friday night, we're definately going to xiaoshu's house.

Oh, where would my life be without the xiaos.

Complicated

2005-01-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

LOD and I finished our bio exams 40 min before everyone else so we went to the back of the room and listened to LOD's iPod. Randomnly, we ran across Avril's Complicated. I love the song, but the lyrics never jumped out at me as it did today:

"i like you the way you are
when we're driving in your car
and you're talking to me one-on-one
but you become

somebody else round everyone else
watching your back
like you can't relax
you trying to be cool
you look like a fool to me
tell me

why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
i see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
gets me frusterated
life's like this you
you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get
and you turning into
honestly, you promised me
i'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no"

As if sharing the same brain, both we immediately thought of one person. LOL. What are the odds of such a song randomnly being played when I am thinking the exact same thoughts?

Anyway, after finals are over, me, LOD, POD and JOD went down to Tillamook ice cream place. Since POD and JOD needed to goto a swim meet, LOD and I went back to her house, played some DDR. Oh my gosh, LOD has the nicest piano! I feel like an angel playing my favorite piece on her piano! It was so nice!

After a brief nap at home, LOD came to pick me up and we went to Washington square! I haven't gone shopping for such a long time and it was fantastic just to have someone there to share the discoveries of cute earrings and bracelets with me! (I almost got my ears pierced *gasp* except I didn't have my ID, oh well, next time maybe...) . I bought lots of sour candy and a Ella Enchanted (lovely book). We ran into Greg, Nicole and Jenny and the theater crowd, was nice.. yes, my scarf and shoes match, spiffyness!

We went to Red Robins for a complete junk food dinner! Haha, WTF, finals are over and I dun care about anything anymore. mmmmm. Onion rings! LOD and I had SO MUCH FUN just walking around, talking about Xiaohao and.. school... and love..life... Laughing over little things and giggling over stupid things we've done.

I feel better about life after tonight. Thanks LOD, love you forever! I'm looking forward to tomorrow night's game when I get to talk to Ginny and... lol，能够看见小号, 我好可悲哦. BTW, 小号不吹号,小跑不在长跑队上, 小帅...并不帅啊 (sorry Sarah), 小呆还是很聪明的啦。唯一一个名副其实的人是小数，可笑的是小数会吹号也在长跑队上， lol). 喔对了,如果你能够读懂我写的中文,你能够给我说吗? 我只是想知道有哪些中国朋友读这个blog.

Alright, I'm off to play some computer games. Best night after finals EVER!

老师助理

2005-01-26T16:26:00.000-08:00

I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder the real reason behind that decision and I wonder whether or not it was worth it.

Maybe, this is a chance for everything to clear-up... Maybe this is my chance to convince myself out of my idiotic dreams.

The truth is.. wo haoxiang bu shi xi huan ta. wo zhi xiang huidao na yi tian wanshang. Ke neng ma? Is it possible that yi ge ren shi na mo wan mei, na mo... rang ren xin dong for yi ge wan shang. Dan shi, zao shang arrived and... ta you hui dao ta de shi jie li qu le.

Er wo... wo xiang hui gu niang yi yang de, bei xian nu bian cheng le gong zhu. Geng yi ge piaoliang, you fengdu, congming, ti tie he hao xiao de wangzi qu can jia wu hui. Dan shi, shi er dian de zhong sheng qiao xiang le... wo you hui dao wo hui se de shi jie.

这只是一场美丽的梦. 灰姑娘是灰姑娘, 公主是公主. 而王子是不会注意到灰姑娘的。完美的结局是儿时的幻想，但是我们长大了。

傻傻的小女孩，赶快回到现实生活中来吧。

水晶鞋可能碎了但是十二点会永远留在我心里。

I Hope you Dance..

2005-01-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

I Hope you Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
you get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
may you never take one single breath for granted,
god forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
whenever one door closes i hope one more opens,
promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
i hope you dance....i hope you dance.
i hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
never settle for the path of least resistance
livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
when you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
i hope you dance....i hope you dance.
i hope you dance....i hope you dance.
(time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)
i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
whenever one door closes i hope one more opens,
promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
dance....i hope you dance.
i hope you dance....i hope you dance.
i hope you dance....i hope you dance..

So what

2005-01-25T13:59:00.000-08:00

So here I am, bored in Yearbook again.

The psychology final went alright, it wasn't too hard though I really hope I keep my 90.5ish A or else I'd be so mad at myself. So, I walk into math class expecting a C- on the latest test, but it actually wasn't that bad (seriously, he must've curved it a ton because I definately saw so many red marks on my test). But then comes the FINAL, I spent too long on the calculator portion. Then I got the noncal part and its 40 questions! Def. was like shitshitshitshitshit and worked like crazy for the next hour only to totally blank on five problems. Oh well, I tried my best.

Mock Trial practice last night. Mick and Beno didn't come because they have their scary scary Hon. english final the next day so we had to have poor Alex be all three witnesses (he did a good job though). Pyle, lol, is still uber intense about everything. He has a certain way of standing when he's crossing and he always has his keys, cellphone, wallet, water and mints when he goes to trial. It Was pretty boring cuz everyone's so not prepared (except maybe Pyle) and we're just winging it to see how everything will play out.

*sigh* There is nothing to look forward to in the next week..... there is finals being over but its not like I gave a damn anyway. There's the boys basketball game on friday but Joe told me he's got it covered and me going with wimpy camera will only make me feel bad. Next semester... well, no more psychology = good but DA for harvester? I hope I'm not going to be too busy...

And then there are things I dread. Thursdays. I hate all thursdays and this week will be even worse and it won't end till march. With all the afterschool obligations I have and all the places I have to be at, I feel so guilty toward my mom. I can't plan anything fun because I am away from home enough...

Just I wish something can happen to me to make me excited to wake up the next day, because these days have def. been..oh finals so what..oh weekend so what..

Oh, I live.. I breath.. so fucking what

Best Quote ever

2005-01-24T21:51:00.000-08:00

"To study or not to study, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the Cs and Ds of outrageous grading, or to take up textbooks against a semester of problems and by opposing raise them? To study to not sleep; to not sleep perchance to scream: aye, there's the rub. For in that waking what insanities may come?"

~Oliver Nakano-Baker

This. made. my. day.

Mock Trial + Finals

2005-01-23T22:06:00.000-08:00

I found that I care more about Mock Trial than finals. Seriously, I spent most of this weekend trying to sort out facts for my opening but the more I try the more confused I am about this whole case. *sigh* I'll just see how it goes tomorrow. But I'm excited that I'm part of a team again! And I get to see real courtroom action. Gonna take lotsa pictures this year! Megan asked to see the MT video from last year, LOL. Everybody will LOVE to see it so I'm debating if I should ask Jack and Rod's permission to show it on MT movie night.... it'll be hilarious!

My finals schedule:

Tuesday:

Psychology (Damn I actually have to try in that class cuz I only have a 90.5)
Calc II (checking my grade tomorrow and will match studying time to that grade)
Yearbook (another round of textwist? Or I'm thinking about switching to Bookworm)

Wednsday:

Sleep (Hopefully dreaming about xiaohao, though the last time that happened I woke up crying)
PAS (sleep as well? Or maybe I should studying for rules of evidence test in MT that night)
Physiology (Ms. Wentzien's on my list of people that's on crack for having us go to OMSI for an exhibit that existed 2 years ago)

Thursday:

English (Hopefull I get to read Antigone for the first time and review history/shakespeare the night before)
Bio ( am trying to decide whether or not I care enough to do that little cheat sheet)

Late arrival tomorrow, sleeping in!

Recovering from Ryan's Mock Trial Video

2005-01-21T16:59:00.000-08:00

I popped the CD into my computer and clicked on "Mock Trial Scrimmage", Ben's face shows up and starts explaining how he's at the multnomah county courthouse for a murder trial. The scene switchs to inside the courtroom and I anticipated some hardcore courtroom action (against Franklin) of course.

Well, it was "hard core action" but it was... in the elevator. Yes... quite a start to my finals weekend. And... I actually understood everything in that video which saying something about how corrupted I have become.

LOL. Honestly, I found it to be more funny than vulger. And, I didn't think I was laughing that hard till my mom came up to my room and asked what I was watching. Thankfully, the video was over when she walked in. LOL. That would've been so bad. but she wouldn't let me off the hook and requested to see what was funny. So... I randomnly clicked on another video in the CD titled "Ninja", hoping, praying that it's nothing like the MT video. Lucky for me, it was ok... my mom didn't get why I thought that was funny.

The Legs and Lungs video was great! I never actually got to see that dance because I missed most of school that day. (What's Beno being one beat behind everyone else?) And... random, subway girl movie in that disk as well? I liked the song, and I saw Megan and Betsy in that movie! So yay!

Major major studying to do for finals. But first I need to work on getting the images from the MT video out of my head... Good luck to me.

Random AP Gov trip

2005-01-21T13:33:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting in Yearbook today thinking about how I will kill another an hour and a half of my day when suddenly, across the room, Kelly Ford tells me that Stuart just Text messaged her and asked for me to go next door to the gov class because there a "photo opportunity".

Well, seeing since we ARE doing to SS page for this deadline and Kelsey needs pictures, I grabbed the super camera and went in through the back door. For some weird reason, Mr. Koepping wasn't there and the whole class bunched their desk together. David and Sam had plaques with their names on it and they all seem very happy. But even so, I needed to take two pictures to fit everyone in. LOL. That class is so funny and interesting. Like my APUSH class last year except Sarah's in it this time (so I actually have someone who's just as interested in the xiaos as I am). *sigh*, if it wasn't because I have no interest in government and loves yearbook, I totally would've joined it.

But just as I was finishing, Mr. Koepping came back so I quickly ran out of the room and back to yearbook where I am now sitting, trying to read my driver's manual to get my...permit... -__-'' and waiting for the pictures so load so I can edit the gov pictures.

Here is the picture I took and pieced together!

(Sorry its kinda small for the blog, email me if u want a larger version o

UW Dawgs

2005-01-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

I got my acceptance letter to UW! Although I was sure that they'd accept me, I am still happy cuz that's where I wanted to go since sixth grade. I still do, but they are really stingy about the whole scholarship thing and my parents are kinda pushing me to goto UO since they offered me the Deans/Residential scholarship. But I really don't know about Eugene... and (no offense against UO but) deep down, I know I could do better.

I feel bad about not going to the City League Basketball game tonight, but... I don't have a ride and although I love taking pictures, I am not about to WALK to LOJ. I am so damned confused. Nothing makes any sense at all, wozhendexihuantama? Haishi, wo zhi shi xiang hui dao na yi tian? But like I said to Meredith, maybe nothing is meant to make sense. Maybe, I don't need a reason.

"But, orderly I end where I begun
Our wills and fates do so contrary run
That our devices are still overthrown
Our thoughts are ours, their endings none of our own" (Hamlet, III.ii.)

So maybe I'll wait for fate or something to happen.

Me thinks school is overrated

2005-01-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to Pyle today about preparing deposition questions when he randomly started talking Shakespeare, here's the convo:

Me: are u writing the questions or are we all?
Pyle: i know that both noble dustin and myself are not
Pyle: as for thee
Pyle: you would have to answer that
Pyle: so i pose the question to thee- will thou be speaking questions of the written form upon tommorow's eve?
Me: my good fellow Alexander, me thinks hamlet is getting to your head
Pyle: your words ringeth true to my ear, wise ruolan. but what is a head but bone structure? does not the answer lie in the soul?
Pyle: i revert to the former question
Me: i know not what thou meant by "the written form upon tomorrow's eve?"
Pyle: thou asked of me whether i had prepared written questions for this deposition. i respondeth with a clearest "no." i sling the question back at you like an arrow from a bow.
Pyle: but you respond not
Pyle: so respond, i say to thee

LOL. Pyle is such a weird and funny guy...

Anyway, Mock Trial was hilarious tonight. We're doing depositions of Andy Parker who is played by Alex Brown, lol. Okay, Andy's this idiotic sixth grader who got held back one year and blew up his hand, while Alex is the genius that took at AP Calc II exam in middle school and got a 5. Of course, we needed Andy to be kinda dumb for the sake of this case, but Alex might as well be dressed in a suit with brandy and cigar with his use of words like "as such, I was exposed danger and thus I am not liable nor negligent in this case". LOL, which six grader uses words like "as such" "thus" "negligent"?? Dusty, Pyle and I were suggesting that he throw in some brittish accent to complete the "shall we retire to the drawing room" image.

So, I have a huge amount of psychology hw to make up before I dropp that class. Jack wants opening on 1 3x5 notecard by next monday + Finals study = BLEEEHHH. At least I don't have to worry about Bio (101% YE-AH). But that calc test was def. terrible. Oh well, been feeling like school is not my top priority lately...

A Chance of Sunshine

2005-01-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

This is actually from a very cute picture book (named a Chance of Sunshine) I bought in China. I will attempt to translate some of it.

She lives in an old apartment building at the edge of city. No matter where she's going, she habitually first turns toward her left....

He lives in an old apart ment building at the edge of the city. Not matter where he's going, he always first turns toward to his right...

Although they live in the same city, they walk in their individual directions.

But one day, By pure chance, they met. And spent a lovely afternoon together.

Yet the light turned green... and they went on in their separate directions.

What then? Do you wait for fate's finger to bring you two together? Or do you extend your hand out and build a bridge between the two separate paths...?

Will parallel lines ever cross?

Ms. Paxson's Predictions

2005-01-15T01:13:00.000-08:00

So um... Anyone remember Ms. Paxson's predictions at the end of AP US History last year? Well, because Casey was teasing me so badly last year, Ms. Paxson's prediction for me is "Ruolan will come back in her next life and kill Casey Byers".

LOL. Well, I came back next year and asked that kid out to Winter Formal. How random is that? I dunno if Ms. Paxson knows about it, LOL, wonder what she would say to that....

Anyway, a bunch of my friends have been saying how "goody goody two shoes" I am. And how I should let my hair down once in awhile. But here's the thing, I have short hair and I normally just let it hang in the mornings. So... either my hair is always up (because its short).. or its always down (cuz I let it hang)... (kinda like the glass half full/empty thing) ^0^ Depending on how you look at it.

But, am I really that uptight? I think I've been turning into such a bad girl lately, sneaking out of Yearbook, asking Dusty to get me out of Physiology, skipping Psychology out right etc. Maybe I'll save my hair and let it grow longer now. Most people say short hair looks good on me, but most of them never seen me with long hair before. I just really like it short because its so much less of a hassle.

Personally, I think I have already let my hair "down" a lot. I surprised myself at my own daring these days. But I still feel I haven't experienced the crazy side of high school yet... Maybe I'll get my license in the next two months, hit triple digits on I5 and go and get drunk...

But wait, I might end up with a DUI... And then there will be no "MOORE" fun! LOL! (Ok, Mr. Two-fisted Mcormick is getting to my head...)

I don't want to wait

2005-01-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

I hate not being able to drive. What the hell was I thinking, not getting my permit when I turned fifteen?! I guess I've taken my parents for granted that they'll always be here to pick me up when I wanted them to. And now, when they can't I feel trapped on weekends, unable to go anywhere at all.

I really want to go to the basketball game tonight. I haven't been taking pictures since football ended and I want desperately to be able to experience the thrill of having captured a special moment in time. I'm sick of staying at home devoid of any social life but I feel so damned guilty whenever I take sometime for myself, esp. with my mom's treatment having to go on for another two months. >___< Fuck.

This week has been horribly long and depressing. Koepping is being very difficult about Mock Trial and Casey decided to scare me by telling us that he's dropping out of PAS (he decided not to though, for Mock Trial, dammit, if it wasn't because of MT, YG, JSA and MUN, PAS wouldn't exist and koepping, moore and duden wouldn't get getting an extra paycheck, F*ckers)

The smallest things makes me happy these days. Little incidents within my day that I wouldn't have noticed before but now, they just light up my gloomy week. I think I am a lot better now at logging emotions away and dealing with them when I can stand them. Don't know if that's good or bad. The fear is still there, I just blissfully forget it when I'm around certain people. But it always comes back and catches me unawares.

I am not having nervous break downs everynight anymore, maybe I have learned to live with it and continue living my life to the fullest. There are so many times that I regret not being nicer or more understanding. I don't want to look back at High School, at a certain decision and wished that I had been braver. I don't want to wait for my (high school) life to be over.

Navy (Minus Twelve) Team

2005-01-12T17:21:00.000-08:00

By Meredith's request, I turned on the commenting for this entry. I am actually very surprised (and flattered) at how many people reads this blog. Just for the record, if you are here and read this, please holler back in the comment section.

This week has been alright. Majorly sucky monday but otherwise, everything seems ok. Is it just me, or has this week been long enough. I can't wait for the three day weekend and next semester when I get to drop the damned psychology class! Although, I'd better do well on that final or else I'll end up with a bad grade cuz I don't try at all.

Anyway, first MT meeting tonight without... Pyle, Casey, Herring, Greg... Ryan, Stuart, Ben, Alex P, Adam, Meredith, Becca and Jessica. *sigh* How sad... Its just me and Dusty representing the returners at the meeting... sitting with a whole bunch of Juniors (no offense) without the ever *ahem* woozy Jack yelling at us. It went alright though, Rod's kinda intense about course curriculum and quizzes this year, oh well, I think it'll be a lot of fun. Seriously, there's only THREE girls on the navy team vs. ELEVEN guys. Hehehe... ^____^

Bloody Hell, there's been so many things going on these days that I can't stop to think about any of them. DK is kinda pissed at my in Yearbook these days, I don't think she ever got over my "unauthorized" stay in AP gov last week. I don't think she has any interest in my explanations anyway, not that I'd take enjoyment in sharing something like that with her...

I feel really bad about all the work that I need to do. I am not spending as much time as I like to with my mom, esp. when I have to lose here again tomorrow to the hospital and her poisonous cure. But, I actually have enough things going on that I'm not having breakdowns every night anymore... Although I am still afraid... But! She has two more visits! Her last one happening on the last day of my final! Then, we're free! She'll have recovered by Chinese New Years, which is why I am going to party like mad!

I thought about posting some WF pictures here... But the photo crazy me actually decided against it. Maybe I'll feel good enough about them to post them next month, we'll see... Anyway, I have a bio and physio test to study for and a very extremely stupid english essay to write. No Late arrival sleeping in for me tomorrow. Shucks.

Sad Sunday

2005-01-09T22:29:00.000-08:00

Today was very poopy. The day was dreary and gray and my mood was as crummy as ever. Maybe because the fantastic Winter Formal is over and I shall return to my boring life. Or maybe tomorrow's monday and I have so much HW that I've been putting off all day.

*sighs*

And then she wakes up....

2005-01-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

The past three days have been more than a dream....

Tonight was beautiful. More wonderful than I ever could've imagined it. I didn't want everything to end, but the evening had to end sometime. Although regretfull that such a lovely time is drawing to a close, the saddness is part of the beauty that is this evening.

I do not regret my decision at all. At least, I gave myself a chance, whatever happens... I tried.

And now, I am going back to my life behind the camera. It is 1 AM. Jan 9th 2005 and I'm taking off my crown.

The neighborhood around me is asleep, but I am just waking up...

White Balloon

2005-01-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

Tonight was fantastic! I didn't win but Vanessa Did!!! I think she deserved it better than me anyway! Thanks to all those people that made me feel loved and special! I am very happy because of you all!

So, I get to dance with Adam during Winter Formal. Better than JT I suppose who I never talked to in my life. At least I know Adam from calc class, though he is about a foot and a half taller than me... my heels will prolly do no good anyway.

I saw Ginny tonight! It was so exciting to talk about the lab again! Oh, I love Ginny so much, she is the nicest girl I've ever met. By far the easiest to talk to. I am so glad that both Ginny and Shan Shan came to cheer me on! I definately went deaf yet again during my walk with my dad to the seat. Didn't hear a word Ryan said, LOL.

Anyway, I really hope tomorrow will be fun! I feel bad dragging Casey to our group instead of the XC mass party of 16. But I already promised POD and them. Oh well, I guess I'll see all of them at the dance anyway.

^________^

The Election of 1976

2005-01-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

^______^ I just accomplished the scariest thing I ever did in my life.

I don't know how I got through the day hyperventilating but before I knew it. 4th Period Gov Class rolled around. I talked to Koepping to not acknowledge my existence and tried to hide behind Sarah as Ryan's group is getting their powerpoint ready. It took such a friggin long time to load. I was sitting here trying to keep calm by doing Sarah's square patterns on her graph sheet.

Finally, they got the powerpoint on the board. LOL. I don't think I heard a word Casey said about the election of 1976. All I heard was Ryan taking over after Casey's part was done and asking the class "Is there any questions at this point?"

I raised my hand and asked (yeah, you know the line....). LOL. The whole class cheered and started clapping. I didn't get an answer for like 2 min. But he said yes! Weeeee! ^______^

I dunno where I got the guts, maybe I'm still high from all the adrenaline from yesterday's assembly. Or maybe because I just want to do something crazy without thinking too hard for once in my life.

Much thanks to Ryan who helped me come up with this plan! It worked well! I think I'll remember the election of 1976 forever now! LOL.

I hope Winter Formal will be just as fantastic!

Princess

2005-01-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

For once, I am in front of my camera.

This morning, I arrived at school early to scout out some good spots for the background pictures of princes and princesses.

LOL. Ironically, I was one of them.

Torrey and Mackenzie wanted me to not go take pictures for the assembly but I didn't suspect that I would be the subject of the pictures! I brought a long stephanie so I could train her up on how to take pictures of assemblys. She wanted to take all the pictures of the princesses. >____< Guess she knew all along and didn't tell me.

Dude, I was ready to faint when I heard the words "Mock Trial" "Photography" "China" stringed together in one sentence. I don't even know how I walked up to the center of the gym. Blurriness. I am not sure if something's wrong with the ballots or somethng. Because I never dreamed that I would get voted. To be a princess. Not sure if I deserve it.

Anyway, Me, LOD and JOD went emergency dress shopping right afterschool. I got a nice dress. One that I like anyway. Dude, for the first time in my life, I cannot focus on my school work.. AT ALL! Its not even this bad in november.

Tomorrow I have the court breakfast at 7 AM.

And.. I will be doing the scariest thing I'll have ever done in my life...

Wish me luck!

Lacrimal Canals

2005-01-04T17:26:00.000-08:00

AHHHH!!! Physiology driving me up a wall. Ok, you don't NEED to name every dent, every projection, every milimeter of every...friggin...bone!!! Sorry but there are 206 bones in the body and oh wow, I am so far along now that I know the difference between the Acetabulum and the Olecranon process.

Yearbook was so cool today! Joe took some friggin awesome pictures at the final football game!!!! ^0^ It was so great to scan them in! And guess what else? Because the school scanner's having issues scanning in some people's senior pics, I said I'll scan them on my home computer and send it to school. And guess who's picture is in that pile to be scanned? Xiaohao! Wheeee! Now I have a picture saved in my computer!

I am strangely depressed at home, well I get sorta depressed at school (esp. in Calc class) but it I forget about it after 15 min. But at around 7 the stimulants from school wears off and I feel like shit. And listening to all the beautifully sad anime songs doesn't help, Conan + Away With Me = T_T

Anyway, tomorrow's Winter Court Assembly and I'm training up my yearbook Photo Editor successor on how to take good indoor/dark shots. I'm thinking about going early in the morning to scout out a good background for the princes and princesses to stand in front of. Next semester I'm thinking about DAing for Harvester's 5th period hon. chem class? I dunno, I kinda like my sleep but I really like Ms. Harvester too. And having nothing to do 5th means I get to hang out with all the newspaper people in the publications room.

I miss last year. Despite the stress of APUSH and Honors English there def. were memories from that class that I wouldn't trade for the world. Now, it seems that every chance of happiness has disappeared and I regret not pursuing it when I had the opportunity to do so.

Maybe if the chance came again, I wouldn't be foolish enough to just let it drift past me.

2005-01-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

Funniest thing I've seen all day from Dusty's profile:

"Mock Trial:
alpal737 (Pyle): happy new year... only 56 days until regionals"

Mock trial should be as fun as always. Though, there are a lot of new people on the team. I am kinda scare that we might not get along. I made the contact sheet today. Though, I am not on the planning team at all. Casey's too lazy and Jack's like "WHERE IS THE CONTACT INFORMATION?!"

Maybe school is making me feel better? Or maybe its because I finally have an excuse to hid everything? Tomorrow's yearbook. I'm excited to assign some tasks to my photographers. :D

Bye-Bye Winter Break

2005-01-02T22:07:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's school. I should be getting to bed. But I don't feel like sleeping, I'll probably lie there for 2 hours unable to fall asleep anyway.

I accomplished relatively little (mentally) during winter break. I thought I'd be able to pull myself together, but now I see that's gonna take a lot more time. I just really hope I still have enough motivation in there to keep me going, since finals are coming up and such.

Lets see what we have on the schedule for next week. I am hopefully going to the (JV and Varsity) boys basketball game on friday vs. St. Helens. I might as well get 100 pictures early in the season so that my pagewriter can tell me what kind of pictures are ok.

ok. Pointless update. Am going now. Poof.

2005

2005-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

I found this from Xanga: I wrote this a year ago....

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

The New Year is (almost) here! Looking back, so many things have happened in the past year that have made my life all the more interesting. Lets see, last year at this time I was still a 4.0 student (*grasp*) I was still in Honors Chemistry, Warts' class and photography! I hadn't tasted the fun of Mock Trial or the second semester PE Class. Yes, the memories from that class was one a kind, I sought to leave it behind me as the bell tolls, but I don't think its gonna happen... I'll have to carry the sweet/bitterness with me to whatever month in 2004 and hopefully (pleadingly) not into 2005.

A year in memories: Lets see, my physical growth....I'd rather not talk about the fact that I'm still where I am length wise. Mentally: well, I think I've matured, though I may still be immature enough to say that, or maybe I don't at all. But I have learned to deal with disappointment more and more (yes, thank you Dr. Korach). I've become stronger, hopefully strong enough for college. And Emotionally: Well, I think I've gone backwards in the past 8 months, pathetically backwards to middleschool. But I've made great friends in the past year! (Love ya all) and is at the happiest moment of my life (since coming to America).

I won't set any unrealistic goals for myself in the coming year and be disappointed, therefore, I just wish to find happiness in whatever I do, relax, the sun will still rise tommorrow as I make my lemonade. I believe I can Fly!

Happy New Years everyone! And may 2004 be a wish come true!

Well, here I am... The end of another year. For me and for many other people in the world. 2004 ended with a bang. The aftermath will last till the summer for me. Or maybe years afterwards. To be honest, I am afraid. I've never looked forward at the end of a year with fear of the coming months. But I am more insecure than ever these days.

Anyway, many things passed into memories this past year. College apps are done and in. SATs are over with (no more standardized testing till the MCATs). I feel so... empty. Its like a motivating force going out in my subconscious. After thinking about the SATs since middle school, I can finally say "fuck, I am done with it". After dreading the college application process for most of high school, I suddenly found myself having climbed over that hill.

There is only one thing I want for my New Year's Wish. I really hope it comes true.

===============================================

Here's a fun quiz a friend sent me through email...

New Year's Survey! 1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Went to *gasp* two dances. Slapped myself. Purposefully took in a bit of alcohol. 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I suppose. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My cousin in Japan is pregnant! Baby's due in July! 4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no. 5. What countries did you visit? China. 6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? I'd like to be more happy and caring toward my family. 7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Jan. 10th, May 5th, June 23rd, August 29th, Nov. 24th, Dec. 16th. You expect me to explain all that? 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Article Published... ASE 9. What was your biggest failure? Not holding on. Not pursuing for my own happiness. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Um.. yes.. One on of those dates above. 11. What was the best thing you bought? MP3? 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? POD!!! For being so brave this winter! 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Some people in my Calc class... 14. Where did most of your money go? Into my bank account! 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? ASE, going back to China, getting QQ so I can talk to my friends in China online! 16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2004? River south - LinJunJie, Worthwhile - (by i don't know name), Angel's song - SHE, Can you feel my world - WangLiHong, Breaking Poin - (Another unknown artist) 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? sadder ii. smaller or larger? .... physically? Mentally? iii. richer or poorer? def. richer 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Laughter, shopping, social stuff... 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? stressing out, crying, dwelling in self-pity? 20. How did you spend Christmas? At home.. 21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? I don't really talk on the phone... LOD I suppose.. 22. Did you fall in love in 2004? Haha, you got to be kidding me. No. 23. How many one-night stands? None? 24. What was your favorite TV program? Don't watch American TV. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? ... can't think of anyone at this moment. But I can think of a lot of people I still hate and a lot more people I have stopped hating..? 26. What was the best book you read? Poison Wood Bible for English books. "This guy's gorgeous" Chinese book. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? That Kobe sings in the shower... 28. What did you want and get? I wanted good erasers and I got them in China. I wanted good pictures and I got those too. 29. What did you want and not get? I wanted... to be braver? More confident? 30. What was your favorite film of this year? "Na Xiaoze Zheng Shuai". 31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went shopping with my mom. 32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To have to something to share when talking to Linda or Shan Shan...? 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? ... or lack thereof? 34. What kept you sane? Who said I am sane right now? But ok.. uptil Nov. Music, friends, 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The guy in "Na Xiaozi Zheng Shuai" 36. What political issue stirred you the most? The taiwan election in march, where the president was almost "assassinated".. oh yeah, and it was election year here in American too right? 37. Who did you miss? Shan Shan, Rob, Jack, Kobe, 38. Who was the best new person you met? James, because of his bri 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: "Life's like a zebra. There are white stripes and black stripes on it. WHen you are on a white stripe, walk slowly and enjoy it. When you come to a black stripe raise your collar, shut your eyes, and rn as fast as you can go to get to a white one. But there will always be a white stripe after a black one." 40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I believe" ~ My Sassy Girlfriend.

Happy New Year! Don't worry, Be Happy!

Big Fat Liar

2004-12-27T19:48:00.000-08:00

I am a liar. When people ask me how was my day, my answer is always: Good! Sometimes, my day is good. But other times, my day is as worse as any day can me. What do I say then? Should I say everything I say to my closest friends?

Acquaintace: How was your day?
Me: Oh, I had two nervous breakdowns and a suicide attempt.

(Then what?)

Acquaintance: Bummer.
Me: Yeah, life sucks.

(Or....)

Acquaintance: OMG! AWWWWW, are you OK?!?!
Me: mmm....nope.

(what should I have done. Say that I am ok even though I am not?)

Acquaintance: Tell me if you need any help or anything ok?
Me: Yeah, ok. Thanks.

End of Convo

How can they possibly understand anything? How can I possibly say anything else to that question: how was your day? Its one of those trick questions that forces you to answer one way even though it seems like you have 20 billion responses to choose from.

How can I possibly make anyone understand through...words...??

Even if I can, will anyone care? Will me going into a LONG narrative about everything that's going wrong in my life make the acquaintance any happier? Will it make me any happier?

So I lie. For your sake and for mine.

Fengshui and the grey horizon

2004-12-27T11:25:00.000-08:00

I just returned from turning in my last two applications (NW and Cornell). 11 in all... I am the insanest person I know...

Anyway, Christmas was nice. I keep telling myself not to get annoyed at all the people that's visiting my house. I know they don't have bad intentions. Its just that, all of them were so mean to my mom before last month and all of the sudden, they are dropping by our house twice a week! My mom's recovering a bit and she actually is so much better than the week before WB. She has to go in again this week. T.T But... after this week, she's half way through! YAY!

I am feeling so edgy and frustrated again. There's a word in the Chinese vocabulary called "Bu Dong Shi" which, literally translated, means: don't understand anything. But it can also mean, immature, ignorant, selfish and stupid at the same time. There's another word called "Xiaoshun" (pronounced Shiao Shuen). Which means respect to elders. Damn, I feel so immature and disrespectul these days. I just, feel guilty doing anything. I feel guilty having fun. I feel guilty NOT having fun. I feel immature playing games and disrespectful when I say the things I want to say.

So, ever since last month, my family's really into Feng Shui. The stupid friends of my parents that comes over keeps telling them that our house has really bad fengshui and that's why all these bad things have been happening. They are recommonding that we invite a fengshui master from China to look at our house. This morning, my dad woke me up because he was nailing a mirror outside our garage door to ward off the evil. My mom wants me to help her make curtains out of plastic tubey things to sheild against evil spirits.

I was really frustrated with all of it this morning. Maybe its just my skeptical science mind coming out or maybe I am afraid that my mother will get so into the fengshui stuff that she'll be paranoid about everything. I don't know. It is exactly like the math essays we wrote this year, when people are afraid, they look for answers. For my parents, the answers probably lies in what direction our house is facing or how many trees we have surrounding our house.

I don't know if I believe in Fengshui or all of the Chinese... supsetitions/beliefs, whatever you call it. Its one of those things that you can't prove it exists but you can't prove that it doesn't exist. Like spirits or ghosts. Science is one way to look at how the world is turning. But the bad thing about science is that when dealing with somethings science cannot explain, science says it just doesn't exist.

Is that the truth? If not, then what is the answer? I know some people that will say my parents are crazy and all this is bullshit. In fact, someone did say that, about my parents being accupuncturists and that Western Science haven't completely proven everything to be "true". I never forgave that person for saying that. There are somethings about the world, about ancient customs, beliefs, medicine that Western science with its ultrasound machine is too immature to understand.

A part of me is afraid that my mother will be terminally paranoid about everything and because she needs to have fengshui's counsel about everything she does. But think in her shoes, understand everything from her perspective. She needs answers. Science gave her some answers with the poisonous cure flowing through her veins. But whatever else that makes her more comfortable, will make me happy as well.

A part of me says, all this is superstition. If nothing had happened in November, then we wouldn't be thinking that our house is surrouned by evil spirits at all. Because something happened, we are looking for connections that might have caused it. But another part of me grew up with these traditions and beliefs. I can't just say, well all this is bullshit because I haven't learned about these in AP Physics. Arg. Its like two contrasting people are constantly arguing inside my head.

I seem to be stuck in a gray area again. The older I get the more my life drifts toward that never ending grey horizon. Why can't everything be black and white? Why can't everything be as simple as 1+1? Why am I always stuck between two countries, two beliefs, two cultures, two medicine theories?!

I don't think I'll ever get "unstuck" but I suppose being completely black or white would be so bland and boring. The grey zone may not be comforting but to some extent, the battles going on inside my head can be pretty exciting.

Merry Christmas!

2004-12-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

There is an option for "commenting" on my blog. I never turned it on because I'd feel weird about people commenting to my rants... for some reason. But its Christmas and I'm in a good mood, so I'm turning the comment section on till school starts.

So here goes:

(A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:

(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want (You may post anonymously, I will reply).

(C) Then I want you to go to your journal or blog or Xanga, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything.

A weird survey that's floating around....

2004-12-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

I am: doing this survey right now?
. I want: to forget most things going on in my life right now
. I have: fuzzy purple socks on! YAY!
. I wish: that I could help.
. I hate: psychology (the class anyway, not the subject)
. I miss: October
. I fear: losing someone I love.
. I hear: music
. I search: for an answer
. I wonder: how long will this last.
. I regret: not asking someone to WF.
. I love: my bulletin board filled with pictures.
. I ache: to go shopping with my mom.
. I always: think too much.
. I am not: a brave person
. I dance: *shrug* I don’t dance...
. I sing: to myself when I couldn’t cry
. I cry: when I’m alone
. I am not always: cheerful as I like to be.
. I write: to vent.
. I win: at cutting snowflakes
. I lose: at mahjong
. I confuse: myself
. I should: stop doing this and write English Journal Entries.

. Three things you are often complimented for: nice, caring and smart I guess.
. You get embarrassed when: I say something awkward
. What upsets you: rude, insensitive, self-centered people
. You keep a diary: Blog?
. You like to cook: Tomatoes and eggs.
. You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: *grins* yes
. You set your watch a few minutes ahead: used to.
. You bite your fingernails: sometimes
. You believe in love: yeah.

Who is...?
. The prettiest person of the opposite sex you know: *grins* xiaopao
. The weirdest person you know: xiaopao as well.
. The loudest person you know: uh… Elaine?

. Your closest friends: Sarah, LOD, POD, JOD…
. The person that knows the most about you: see above
. Most boring teacher: Capener

What is?
. Your most overused phrase on AIM: "lol"
. Last image/thought you go to sleep with: don’t remember
. Your best feature: that’s not a question for me.
. Take a shower everyday: yes?
. Have a (any) crush (es): haha, um, duh.
. Think you've been in love: no
. Want to get married: yeah
. want any tattoos/where?: never
. want any Piercings/where?: maybe my ears sometime in the next 5 years
. Get along with your parents: yes

WHEN YOU SEE THIS NAME YOU THINK OF

. Ryan: McCune
. Rob: my best friend in China.
. Stephanie: my minion in yearbook
. Heather: a girl in third grade who wouldn’t stop crying on a fieldtrip
. Aaron: Hot Chinese singer
. Amy: Chapman?
. Eve: The name of a cute Korean Actress
. Jon: Kitzhaber, yeah!
. Alex: wow, brown, porter, pyle, herring, cigan…
. Justin: uh Timberlake?
. Ricky: Dr. Korach
. Jack: Another one of my best friends in China

SCREEN NAMES: Lilmintysmiles
SIGN: Libra

NATURAL HAIR COLOR: black
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: black
EYE COLOR: brown

(FAVORITES)

NUMBER: 6.
COLOR: Green.
DAY: Friday
MONTH: October
SONG: You don’t know any Chinese songs anyway.
FOOD: Chinese
SEASON: Summer and Fall
DRINK: Hot Cocoa
VEGGIE: String beans

(PREFERENCES)

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT?: cuddle
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE?: hot chocolate
MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE?: Milk
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE?: Vanilla

(IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU)

CRIED?: nope
HELPED SOMEONE?: I hope I did
BOUGHT SOMETHING?: A book
GONE TO THE MOVIES?: four days ago.
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? Yes
SAID, "I LOVE YOU??: nope

WRITTEN A REAL LETTER?: College apps count?
TALKED TO AN EX?: That does not apply to me
MISSED AN EX?: see above
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: Blog
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yes
MISSED SOMEONE?: yes
HUGGED SOMEONE?: yes
KISSED SOMEONE?: nope
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?: nope

Winter Break

2004-12-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

I don't think I have ever been happier that its winter break! I actually don't have that much stuff to do, finished NW shhh...tuff yesterday, finishing Cornell today and hopefully snailmailing them. I think I'll do JHU online so that there is no risk of it getting lost among all the christmas packages. Other than that, I am all done with college stuff.

UO is starting to look... ok to go to now. They offered me the dean's scholarship worth at least 3000 dollars, which is really good. I never thought about this before but we may not have enough money for me to go to an ivy, even if I get in (especially with what's going on with Mom). I'll still try to get some private organization money with my essays and such. But, 3-4k a year is too much esp. if I'm looking into med school afterwards.

g2g play some computer games! :D

2004-12-17T20:57:00.000-08:00

I come home with my mask so weak that I could barely talk without bursting out crying. I quickly ate dinner and went up stairs. In the dark, I cried myself to a hot, drugged sleep that lasted for four hours.

In my crazy dreams, I was crying again. Crying because I was dizzy and nauseated, crying because I could do nothing else. Then, my door opened, and light poured into the darkness. A cool hand smoothed my sweating forehead and a calm voice quieted my nightmares and whispered me back to sleep.

Just like a little kid I stopped crying when I heard the voice and drifted into a peaceful dreamless sleep.

When I at last awoke, I wasn't sure I was dreaming or did my mother really come into my room. I am not a child anymore and I am not the one that's sick. But somehow, among all this chaos, I can still find comfort in her arms. For the past month, I not only wore a mask to school but at home as well. When I normally can be whoever I am at home, I have to put on a happy face for the past 4 weeks. Saving the tears only for my pillow or the drowning sounds of my stereo.

I am exhausted. Tired and shattered to a thousand pieces in the last a thousand hours. I need winter break to patch myself together again so that I can actually pay attention in class instead of zoning out like I had been doing for Calc and Bio.

I want to go christmas shopping with my mother. I want to be able to look at something cute, share the joy with my mother and just buy it out of impulse. I was at Freddy's last night with my father who issued the "grab and go" decree before we even stepped into the car. Looking at the cheerful christmas shoppers, I felt so lonely and unholidayish that I almost couldn't breath.

My dad thinks everything isn't hard enough and decides to yell at me for trying to have some fun. "Why are you so irresponsible?!" "Don't be so selfish?!" "Don't even think about having fun in the next two months!" "Can't you be a little more grown-up?!" "Why are you making things more difficult?!" "Don't you understand the situation?!"

I'm bleeding. How can I not understand it?

2004-12-15T22:44:00.000-08:00

You laugh when it hurts too much to cry

Objection! Tonight is way out of scope!

2004-12-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

Wow, where do I BEGIN?

We got to the county courthouse around 3:30. Turn's out, greg's chartruese defense team is going first, so I made my team go sit and watch franklin Red's plaintiff team. The franklin team was SO BAD. But then, the second round comes along and we find out that we're going against Westlinn Gold. Which is supposed to REALLY GOOD. Their team definetly looked at us like ants to be pulverized.

But we killed them.

There definetly were missed objections and me cringing in the spectators area when Scott missed them. Our witnesses were great! Sharp and on their feet even though they could do nothing about the objections.

After James started with his cross, Things definately took off. First westlinn calls up the uber cocky guy as Chris Baird. OMG, this guy is seidman times 100 if you know what I mean. But James didn't give up and kept hammering at him. I so wish I had a video recorder because the action going on between them was SO INTENSE. And James did SUCH A GOOD JOB at Knocking off the bastard's arrogance.

And what better followthrough is Megan's closing. Wow, it was beyond words type of good. She not only emphasized chris baird's "untrustworthiness" by reiterating his failed testimony but she also twisted the westlinn team's "key line" and turned it against him. If that wasn't a courtroom, I would've jumped six feet into the air with excitement. Yeah, that Chris Baird guy was closing as well, MEGAN PULVERIZED HIM. BAM

So we're happily loaded on the bus going home. The bus starts moving and we find... Koeppping is not this bus. Well first, there are two busses, and he did only rode in one bus coming to the courthouse, so we assumed that he's just going to go on the other bus. Second, some girls in the back of the bus said they just talked to Koepping and he said, as long as Casey's on our bus, we can go ahead and leave. We went back to the courthouse to look for him and since he's not there, we assumed that, he's gone with the other bus.

Well, this obviously is not the case. Half way to LO, the bus driver gets a call. He took us off the high way and into this weird parking lot to tell us that Koepping is FURIOUS that we left without an adult supervisor AND without taking ROLL (?). So what now? Koepping wants us BACK to the courthouse. So for the second time we doubled around except everyone on the bus knew we're in HUGE trouble. Of course Donnie, Todd and Sean are NOT helping by suggesting that they take a picture of Koepping's anger. Casey's like "I'm fucked I'm fucked" the whole way. LOL.

We get there, Koepping marches on to the bus and..... yelled at Casey to get up to the front of the bus to take roll. LOL. I have NEVER seen a group of high school students so well behaved. Everyone was holding their breath during those 3 min of roll call. When Casey's done, Koepping got off the bus without a word. On the way back, us coaches decided that since we're the coaches we should ban together and not just leave Casey to face the wrath of keopping alone. I mean, the brains of six lawyer coaches are bound to figure something out.

Everyone left surprisingly quickly after we got to LO. Us coaches + Mick walked up to Koepping who's waiting for us in front of the school. Then, without warning, Koepping just turns around and marches into the school. All of us followed like obedient lambs, yeah, not one of us were talking, we all knew that when koepping is mad beyond words... its the baddest of the bad. I kept expecting him to turn around as he's going up the school stairs, or going down the SS hall way to just turn back and SCREAM at us. But he didn't even pause the slightest and climbed the stairs two at a time, threw his door open and marched in.

We all filed in silently and waited. And waited. Koepping sits down at his desk. Stares us and finally BELLOWS:

WHAT WERE YOU GUYS THINKING?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?? A BUS FULL OF STUDENTS, WITHOUT A SUPERVISOR, LEAVING WITHOUT HAVING TAKEN ROLL??!?!?!

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO NOW?!?!? EITHER I WRITE 54 REFERRALS OR WE CANCEL MOCK TRIAL FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!

All of us were silent for at least a minute. Finally, Dusty gets enough courage to start to explain. We each added details of the confusion on the bus, how we went back to look for him, how Morgan took roll, how some girl said she talked to him and it was ok and how we were stupid to trust that girl. After we stopped talking, Koepping did seem calmer. I think we cleared up a lot of his assumptions. But, Koepping called up Plato who is insane with anger, and Plato called up Dr. Mr. Korach and they're going to have an emergency meeting today... about what went wrong and what to do with us. With that said, Koepping wished us a happy weekend and held the door for us to leave.

After we slumped out of the room, we all went to round tables to discuss our "case" (by we I mean, Casey, Herring, Pyle, Dusty, Sam (?), Greg and me) . Honestly though, I don't mind getting called up Plato or the superindendent but I just really hope Koepping doesn't get into big trouble over this. But i figured everything will be ok, I mean, who would better argue this case than six witnesses that also happen to be MT coaches and MT opening, closing and cross lawyers. Haha! Ok, we then circled the ppl who we thing have potential to be on the regional team so that Jack and Rod and Fred can make the final cut next week.

Phew, what a NIGHT! Now, I must go and get ready to leave for the State Championship football game. Oh worthy photography gods, bless me with good pictures despite the rain!

Waking up to a Nightmare.

2004-12-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

Remember those horrifying dreams from childhood where you watch your parents eaten alive by sharks or disappearing into the mist etc. but somehow you can do nothing about it? You watch in horror but you just can't pull your mom or your dad back. And then, you wake up feeling the blankets around you and thankful that everything was just a dream.

After hours of sleeplessness, I am not sure whether I am awake or dreaming. Until I realized that, I am in my worst, most fearful nightmare. The only solid foundation in my life is crumbling and my life has turned 180 degrees around. For the first time in, oh I dunno, ten years, I slept with my Moomoo cow sharing my pillow.

I want to wake up from everything. I want to suddendly open my eyes to see my dark room and know that everything is alright, that all of this past four weeks had just been a dream.

But I am not going to wake up, no matter how much I scratch and pinch myself. This nightmare will last for another three months.

Wo yao yong gan. Jia You!

What is Love?

2004-12-04T19:30:00.000-08:00


photography is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

Me having fun with HTML -->


xiaopao is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

8M HCl

2004-12-03T20:15:00.000-08:00

How could I do this? I feel like such an ass. Expecially when the same thing happened to me. "Don't do to others what you don't like yourself". And... yet... Here I am, hurting someone else when I was badly hurt. I don't care if I was careless in an argument. I don't care if I didn't mean to say it. I don't care if I was joking. But it obviously meant a lot to that person.

The Laker's Won tonight. Nice game. Good job. Took nice pictures. Thanks to Joe I got to take pictures with an amazing lens and flash. LOL. I finally solved the question I had from a long time ago. The bull horned car with a huge stereo was Joe's.

Does it matter who was pissing who off? A part of me tells me that it does matter, because it involves my mother and I am NOT in the mood to take any supposed-jokes in that area. But another part of me tells me that, well that's not an excuse for my behavior.

Lately, I've been feeling so bloody inadequate. Not so much in school because more than ever I fucking don't care (fine, don't believe me). But in life... I'm not an adequate person.

I don't know what to do.
I wish someone here can tell me what to do.
But nobody can, all they can do is to listen and possibely tell me how pessimistic I am. Can I fucking help it? Can you fucking blame me if you knew the whole story? But I'm not going to tell you.

I am amazed at how good of an actress I am. I think my brain protects me and keeps me from going insane by giving me temporary relief from pain during those short hours at school. I am amazed at how happy I can be sometimes, in spite of everything.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But first, I'm going to curl up in my bed and cry. And then I'll go make my lemonade.

2004-11-30T22:49:00.000-08:00

Just got a couple of new Asian songs on my computer... Happily listening to them. Dunno, I like Chinese Pop/Asian Pop so much better than American songs. Maybe its because every American song have stupid lyrics like "I'm gonna kick your booty", "I can't breath now"... yeah... I like lyrics like "My love for you is buried underneath the sands of mesopotamia/After 3000 years of weathering, it is still carved on the black stone slabs of Bablyon". Crudely translated of course, but it sounds beautiful when it rhymes in Chinese.

Its funny, sometimes they switch to english phrases. But somehow, I can't even tell, I guess that's because my brain switches from Chinese to English all the time so I don't notice as much. All of my friends are like, dude, that's in English! and I'm like...yeah, I guess so...

Walking through the door

2004-11-29T22:28:00.000-08:00

I got QQ installed on my computer! As soon as I figure out how to get a SN I can chat with my friends.. IN CHINA! There will be a time difference but I can catch them late at night or early in the morning! Its 2:30 PM in China right now! So maybe I can stay up till 12 during weekendsand tell Kobe to get online at 4:00 PM in China! How exciting! Talking to my friends... across the pacific ocean. O Technology!

Dude, it felt like I'm trying to get up in the middle of the night this morning. I was like the walking dead going to my first period class. Dunno why I am so affected this thanksgiving. Maybe I am just so tired of everything. Ok, I am not going there again.

Leaving now. Poof.

So you wonder what made me lose the 5%

2004-11-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

I scored

95%

on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!

Take the test here!

Mama's Tears

2004-11-25T22:22:00.000-08:00

(Note: i don't care if you read this, but don't talk to me about it and don't let me know that you know)

I wonder how long I can stand living like this and not go crazy.

For most of the day I live on a drunked happiness. I blissfully forget everything in the prescence of school, friends and work. But at night, everything comes back and haunts me.

I am so afraid. But no one can help me.

I am weak but I must be strong. Because so much depends on it.

I am having doubts about medicine. I hate the American med system, I hate the bossy insensitive nurses. I hate the inflexible doctors that can't do any thing without their fucking machines. My mom came back from the hospital at 10 pm last night after being there for 15 hours. She threw up, she couldn't stop throwing up because they gave her too much anesthesia. Despite me and my dad telling him that my mom is very thin and tires easily, The fucking anesthesiologist just gave her the full dose like he does with every one of his patients. When she felt so nauseated from the anesthesia, they gave her narcotics. Another fucking drug to "cancel" out the effects of the last one. She then felt so dizzy and weak that she couldn't talk for hours.

She's alright now. And trying to convince me not to worry. But how can I not? I am going mad with worry. But at least, she's fine right now. As long as she's happy, I'll be happy.

To...Buddah, God, whoever that's listening.

Thanks, so very very much.

Gobble Gobble

2004-11-23T20:40:00.000-08:00

I feel extremely stupid.

So, I've been working my ass off over the Cornell essays, thinking that I have to turn them in by Dec. 1st .... Only to find that they are due in JANUARY! Arg, what is this? I turned the U of O app in early cuz I thought the regular admission is Nov. 1st.

Ok, so now, my whole thanksgiving power-writing is thrown off. Three Schools due on Dec. 1st. Which means I have to write the UW honors essay (stupid topics) and USC Due on Dec. 10th (stupider topics). Not to menion the english essay on animal dreams due on the SAME FRIGGIN DAY!

ARG. This weekend is PACKED with stuff to do. Getting contacts... Senior Picture session...

No Turkey for me, thanks.

A 2-Day weekend? What is this?

2004-11-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, this weekend is definitely too short. What is with the 1/2 day on thursday and full day on friday?

I'm feeling a lot better. Maybe last week was a (majorly) extended PMS or maybe I just needed to exercise. So now, I got myself a membership at 24-hour fitness, which is good. I can go workout when there's too much stress. Dunno, bubble baths never really worked for me. I took 3 bubble baths last week but every night around 8:30 I'm just so frustrated that I'd start chucking thing across the room.

So, I've been thinking a lot (like I always do). For the past... nine years. Basically since the moment I stepped on American soil, I wanted to go back to China. The original plan is to get a medical degree here and then go back to China to work for a rural hospital. I was miserable in America for a long time and in comparison, China was heaven. I have friends and family back there who always treats me super nice, like a... I want to say "celebrity" (maybe that's not the right word), or maybe Princess (cheesiness)... Ok, maybe I can't find the write word, but the bottomline is, I was "special" in China. Not because I am smart or exceptional in anyway, its just because I am live in America: The one place every person in China wants to be at.

I like how I'm so confident in China because of the fact that I am from America. But that's bad. To feel that I am above everyone else just because I live in America. I didn't come here because I workd hard and got a scholarship or anything. I came here because MY PARENTS worked hard to bring me across the pacific so that I have a better chance with my life. Its like the people that are preppy because they are beautiful. My special treatment has nothing to do with me.

So anyway, for nine years I comforted myself in my lack of....my inability to fit in here with the thought that...well, one day I'll be back in China. NO, I really don't belong here because my home is really in China. Great, I've got an excuse. My home really is in China where I will always be happily surrounded by my best friends and family.

But since this past summer, I've been having doubts about....how comfortable I'd be if I REALLY were to move back to China. I've been feeling more and more like an outsider these past years. Whenever we go back, I see how my parents could pickup their lives in China right were they left it. And I just get lost for the whole two-week stay.

Its not just me getting lost two blocks from my house or not knowing where the nearest store is. I feel so separate from the world back there in a way indescribable. My friends and I have grown apart. There's basically nothing to talk about between us.

People say that I am crazy for wanting to return to China. I have wonderful friends here, people that I can actually talk to about my life instead of... "how have you been for the past year?" "Good, you?" "same". I don't know...

===================================

Anyway, next week is a 3 day week! Two tests but that's ok, there's also a mock trial meeting ( a formal one which I hope will go well). I am looking forward to thanksgiving! Although there's a potluck party at one of my parent's friend's house. Where everyone will be asking where I am applying to college >.< Not to mention I still need to do the UW Honors Essay and another essay for Cornell.

My mom is getting a suspicious lump in her breasts removed on Wednsday, I want to skip school to be with her but she wouldn't allow me to. Seriously though, we are NOT doing anything in my two science classes after tomorrow's test anyway.

Wow, long entry. g2g study for Bio!

Crumbling

2004-11-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

The insecurity is back.

I haven't felt like this since... June. The same fear buried in my heart. Yeah, on the outside, I am fine. Perfect. Smiling. But deep down, I feel like I am ready to buckle at the slightest provocation. I try to stay away from thinking about it by doing biology, math, English, whatever. But my mind wanders back to the subject when I have no defenses.

God, I hope everything works out. I feel like I'm trying to keep the lid on a jar of hurricanes and that sooner or later, I'll be shattered into millions of pieces.

Go Me

2004-11-09T18:47:00.000-08:00

I submitted my UC apps. Seriously, I was sitting in front of my computer staring at the "submit your application" button for 15 min trying to get enough courage to submit. Its not like I haven't sumbitted an app online before, but for UO I was like, WTF, if you don't accept me I'll bomb you. But now, its like...eeeepp.... first serious application!!

So now, I've got.... Stanford, Cornell, BU, UW on December 1st. USC + Med Program on Dec. 10th and NW + JHU on January first. SERIOUSLY, they wouldn't even let me have a nice thanksgiving or christmas break.

Holy Shit, this is making me depressed. I'm gonna go learn about the muscle system now.

Short days and cold nights

2004-11-07T17:24:00.000-08:00

I feel like I want to submerge myself in a story, any story so that I wouldn't have to face the story of my life. I need some drunken happiness that will keep my eyes unfocused, but smiling an intoxicated smile.

The world is always perfect in stories, plays, movies, games and books. Too perfect. So perfect that I want to erase it from my mind, but so perfect that I can't bear to do that.

First Minimock meeting

2004-11-04T21:12:00.000-08:00

I thought tonight went well. We didn't get much done but it was fun! And MUCH better than I anticipated. I thought those two boys are gonna come into my house and break every piece of china our living room (ahem, like they did with the beakers in 7th period hon. chem last year).

But they are pretty calm, till Megan lifted the candy tray and then everything went beyond my control. I'm glad they liked the candy though, because I certainly don't. Maybe cuz I ate them for most of my life.

Serioulsy though, this is definately better than Soph mock. Megan is the nicest girl EVER! and EVERYONE is interested in the case and the whole mock trial thing.

*grins* Happiness!

Election Day

2004-11-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

I have been in the US for 9 years. But I have been through 3 Elections! How cool is that? Of course, I didn't understand any English when Bob Dole was running against Clinton, but that still counts!

The Election's still going on, but it looks like Bush is gonna win. That is, swing state Ohio has finally swung toward Bush. Say hello to four more years of "Nuke-uler". I don't remember much of the Clinton years because I either was in China or I didn't understand english enough. I did enjoy the Time-Kids edition of the Monica scandal, but that was toward the end of his presidency.

So Bush is the only American President that I saw everyday in the news and followed up on everything he did. Including his hopeful choke on the pretzel.

Anyway, let me see, will I apply for an american citizenship by the time the next election comes around? I hate to have to get a VISA to go back to my homeland. Although, its not like I'm allowed to vote even if I am a Chinese Citizen. But I would feel more detached if I am no longer a Chinese citizen.

Happy Halloween!

2004-10-31T20:46:00.000-08:00

Late Arrival tommorrow! I love it.

So, this weekend was nice. I got most of my hw done... still need to do the last personal statement for the UC schools, but i've got a week till I have to submit it.

Anyway, I read over the Minimock case, dude, we have like no case whatsoever. Maybe I'm just used to being defense (or in this case the defendant) but the guy's asking for 3 MILLION DOLLARS for the death of his son whom he barely talks to! Besides, the son had AIDS although the water parasite might sped up his death, it certainly isn't the only cause of it. 1 million might've been reasonable, but 3 TIMES that amount?! I am looking forward to thursday where the team's coming over to my house. We're gonna pick roles and get down to business before the actual competition on dec. 10th

I can't believe its been one year since we all ran down to xiaopao's house to trick or treat. Too bad his whole family wasn't there because there was a football game. I am definately not that crazy this year, which is disappointing...

==================================

To certain individual(s):

Its not that I dislike you. We are just too different. You laugh at jokes I don't understand, I tell jokes that you don't get. We grew up in two different places, in many ways, I still lived in the land of birth and you do the same. There's a canyon between us that I am not willing to cross. Because crossing it would mean that I would have to change myself in someway. I don't feel comfortable being with you and your friends because I just don't understand anything. Learning a language doesn't mean I learn its culture as well. The funny thing is, I feel the same way here as I do in China.

So, I'm sorry.

I am skilled at burgulary

2004-10-29T15:39:00.000-07:00

Haha! I came home today and discovered that I had forgotten my keys... again. My mom couldn't be home till five and I wasn't too happy about spending my whole afternoon and most of tonight standing outside (cuz of the football game). So, I went to my backyard and tried to pick the locks to our back door and such.

Just when I thought that nothing would work and that I should start my math hw, I discovered that, the windowscreen can come off if you apply the right force at the right angle. I tried it at the window that's next to our backdoor. It came off in a second! Miraculously, my mom had forgotten to lock that window and I was able to reach in and unlock my backdoor!!!!!

I was SO HAPPY that I jumped and danced around my house! YAY for not having to spend this afternoon sitting at the deck in our backyard! Yay for my smart and trickiness!

But this would only work once. Next time, my mom will remember, and I'll be stuck outside again.

Unless I remember my keys everytime, which probably won't happen! Haha! :D

This is too funny!

2004-10-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

illusion addiction

2004-10-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

During physiology today, I asked the sub permission to "go to the restroom" so that I would have a chance to look for my lost coat around the school. I first searched in the Publications room and then wandered to Dodson's eight period Calc I class. They are doing the chain rule so Mr. Dodson's like, Ruolan come and help them. I didn't want to go back to physiology so I agreed.

Yeah, so I went back 1/2 hour later to find that the sub had sent people out to look for me. LOL. I felt really guilty. The sub's like "Other substitute teachers will have flipped out by now!" And I went "well... I am so glad you are not one of them!"

I don't know.... Not so much frosh year but ever since I had photography soph year I loved getting out of class (when nothing's going on of course) and dropping by my friend's classes. Thanks to PAS and Yearbook last year, I am like, never in class. I really think i should cut my bad habit of not taking the school rule seriously. I'll really regret it if I end up with a referral. eep.

Anyway, I felt kind of... disillusioned today. For the past year, we have had lots of fun talking about xiaopao and xiaoshu. And we recently welcomed xiaohao and xiaoben into our conversations. But, all this is leading me farther and farther away from.... the real people. I am afraid that one day, I wouldn't be able to tell xiaopao from ****************. And I'll never be able to separate reality from illusion... ever...

But maybe those two things aren't meant to be separated. I love science but so much of science is about reality. What is real and what is not are all shown under the microscope. Scientist are working day by day to dispel doubt in the world.

Is that really neccessary though? There must be a part of illusion that comes along with reality. Like a shadow comes along with light. Maybe they are like two parts of the yingyang that are always fused together.

I don't like illusions, especially the part when you wake up and find everything gone. But I can't imagine life without them. Seriously, can anyone live without ANY illusions at all? Can anyone's life be as clear as glacier water? An old Chinese saying goes, "Fishes don't swim in the clearest waters". I guess if they do, they'll be caught and eaten.

In a way, illusions are both dangerous and safe. I like my illusions.

Guess

2004-10-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

(From Kelsea's Xanga)

Pick SIXTEEN people and write whatever you want about them.
NEVER TELL who they are.

You have no idea how scared I was when I said "hi" to you on my first day at LO. Surprisingly, you said "hi" back and included me in your conversation. You are my first friend at this High School and will be one of my bestest friends for the rest of my life. You are so smart and witty, sarcastic and funny! And such a supportive friend
You don't know me. But I know you. You were the source of my dreams for the past year and a half. You never knew how much you touched my heart. You never found out what I thought. And.....you will never know.
Ah.... I bow to your trickiness, O master of Dorthy. You are so intelligent and so witty. Sometimes, you tend to think a lot. But then again, so do I. I know you are going through some hard times right now, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on. I'll always be here. Try and smile at world. And believe it or not. It will smile back!
I'm sorry. I wanted to say that to you for awhile now. I was terribly immature and selfish, full of stupid dreams. I was a brat and you don't deserve any of it. I wish you all the best your life and hope that... one day, I'll have enough courge to say this to you face to face.
Do I like you? I like how funny you are. I like how we can always find something to talk about... But I think I have made you into an illusion. So, unless you make a move. I'm going to carry this secret with me to my grave.
LOL. You don't know how much I hate you.
You are always so happy! Whenever I see you, you always have a smile on your face and so many times, I wish I could be the same!
You are always so insecure, I can see the insecurity radiating from you wherever you are. And guess what, it bothers me a lot how you desperately look for approval and seeks to fit in by saying what everyone else says. You didn't even stop to consider my feelings when you stepped on me to climb to the high circle of "popularity".
Believe it or not, I don't like you because I envy you. Very very much. You are everything that I am not, and everything that I want to be.
You are like the sister I never had! Thanks for being my friend and thanks for all the fun times we've had together! I'll love you always!
Ok ok, I'll admit it. You just might be as smart as me. LOL. I don't hate you. I just get annoyed sometimes...
I wish I could've spent more time with you, I wish we could've grown up together. In a word, you are charming. You are so creative and full of ideas that lit up my three yeas of my life. I hope you get into the college of your dreams! I guess its now my turn to ask you, will you still remember me, 10 years from now?
I miss you a lot.
You are my first Chinese friend in America and there will always be a special place in my heart reserved for you! I loved our plays, our essays and our weekly trip to McDonalds. I hope you are having a great time in college!
One word, vivacious! You are so energetic and so full of life! I know I can always count on you to comfort me when I am sad. Thanks for caring!
I don't have to say a word because you understand me better than anyone else. You are the person that can sing the song of my heart back to me, when I have long lost the words....

Memory Presents

2004-10-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

I took the ACTs this weekend.

The Test Proctor made us read the cover of our booklet by ourselves. And I came across the most extraordinary memory. There on the first page was the sentence "Do not open until the test booklet told to do so". And I suddenly recalled last year's AP tests.

LOL. Those of you who were there may recall the grumpy PMSy proctor lady. She had a very special way of reading that sentence. It went something like this. "Do not OOpen the test booklet until TOOOOLD todoso". Gosh I can still remember EXACTLY how she said it. Maybe because I took three AP tests each with about 3 sealed booklets and had to hear that sentence coming out of her mouth for eight or nine times in a week.

Anyway, thinking back on last May. I actually didn't mind the tests themselves. Its just the preparing thats stresfull. When I got there in the mornin, I'm like wtf, I studied enough. Whatever happens I have tried my hardest!

I kept telling myself before the tests that I'll go mad-partying after they are done. But... I couldn't relax after the friday may 7th APUSH test cuz I have AP chem on tuesday. And when I finished AP chem, I thought partying on a tuesday sounds stupid. Yet when I waited till the weekend, Dr. Korach assigned us twenty more projects already.

So, I never got to party. I'll save that for graduation!

Dare Mess with me

2004-10-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

I am mad beyond reason.

I haven't received this kind of discrimination and purposeful exclusion since third grade. That was when I didn't know any English.

But I do now.

How dare she! How dare she do this to me. She will regret this.

I hope that I don't get my hands on any knives within the next eight hours.

If I do... She will pay.

The Sequel

2004-10-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

I am SO GLAD, tommorrow is a friday and I have late arrival!!! I keep telling myself that "ok, I gotta get up early to work on college stuff" But if never happens. I keep hitting the snooze button till 8. ACT's this weekend, so I proabaly won't stay too long at the LO vs. Clackamas game. I wish our new 1000 camera will just GET HERE!!

I'm having second thoughts about Mock Trial. First sucky thing is that we got a civil case for Mini-Mock. Pooh. And I heard from Casey that we will have a civil case for reginals too. Second, 2/3 of our team is gone. I took PAS solely because of Mock Trial and I am now bored out of my wits in PAS. Lastly, my Minimock team is... well... hard to manage. I won't go far into my discontent of my team and other things because it involves names. And you probably heard me rant about it anyway.

I don't know. Sometimes, you have to leave things the way they are and not continue. There are some moments in life that you just can press the repeate button. Good times should be left in memory, even if there is a tinge of sadness that it wouldn't continue.

Mock Trial 2004 will not have an equally fun sequel.

Pinch Pinch

2004-10-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

Two essays back in one day! If this was Junior year, I would've jumped off a cliff by now, but everything turned out pretty well.

First the math essay, dude, that was the first essay I totally wrote the night before. I thought I did SO bad on it, I didn't even have a central idea and just rambled on about coincidences in my life. But as it turns out, Dodson told me to stay after class and asked me if he could make copies of my essay to share with other people! He said it was very thoughtful! *Pinches myself* Now I have to go back and read my essay again, cuz I forgot most of what I wrote.

Then, the next period, I got my English essay back. I am glad that Mr. Gillespie doesn't think that there's something wrong with my brain. Wow! I can actually come up with a valuable thesis, support it, and organize it into an essay! This certainly hasn't happened for a year. I got a pretty bad score on grammar/conventions, but I know how to fix that. It wasn't like last year, when I never knew what I did wrong or how to correct it. Hip Hip Horraay!

So the physiology cadaver fieldtrip is WAY cool! I have seen a dead person up close at a funeral before but it was so much easier this time (with the skin peeling off to show the internal organs and all). Maybe because the face is covered and it made it easier to pretend that this is just a model for our education. I don't know how I'll react if the face is uncovered. I'll eventually have to lift the cloth off the face in med school.

The 2nd year med student was hot. Too bad he's married.

I quickly ran up stairs from MacHall cafe to say hi to XiaoKui and everyone in the lab. James is still an arrogant asshole as usual. They were ultrasounding a dog's heart when I burst in. I knew that they researched hearts all day long, but... I just can't deal with how BORING that is day after day, year after year! I definately will go into clinical practice, thank you very much.

Ok, new topic. Sarah made me the cutest dragon cup/bowl today! I love it so much!!! It s the BEST birthday present! Dr. Korach was like "I want to hire her to make another dragon bowl because my husband LOVES dragons".

So, I'm gonna go to get ready for the football game. I have a LOONG arduous night of photography ahead of me. But at least, Sarah will be there along the sidelines with me and we can check out cute football guys together!

:D

SAT Musings

2004-10-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, done with SATs. I think I did alright. The math was easy, but... I hated the english part. Oh well, what will happen has already happened. I'll kill myself later. Next week is homecoming! I keep trying to improve my skills at taking Varsity football pictures but they are either too dark or too blurry. Maybe its the camera or maybe its me. BLAH. Hopefully the new one will be better for that game.

So, I went to Vanessa's this afternoon for the sign painting. I painted the words "2005" AND I have a great idea for our class motto or line. "Shoot for the sky, '05!" How cool is that? But yeah, graduation seems SO FAR away. Gosh, June 9th, I hope I'll be happy by then. Happier than now, I mean. I wish I could just skip the next 3 months completely. Go to sleep and wake up with everything done for me.

I had a great time with my parents tonight at Thai Villa. Now that SATs' are over my mom seems much more relaxed and happy (that is... till I get the scores back..haha) Anyway, we actually had a calm conversation about college for once. Wow. It used to be the second they walk into my room and open their mouths I'll go "nope! NO! DON'T wanna hear! Go away! Bye! Zai Jian! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" Ok ok, so maybe that was partly my fault (partly), but after four years of listening to who's son gone to duke, who's daughter went to Stanford, I was ready to crack.

We were talking about my friends' in China and their college paths and such. (They are busy studying for the final exams in June which basically decides their life). Some of them are aiming for Beijing University (the topmost college in China) and I reckon that they'll get in. But what happens if they go to Beijing University and I go to UW. Nothing besides the ivies ring a bell in China. Nobody cares if you are good at photography or piano or other things, its just the name of the college that somehow speaks the most about YOU as a living, breathing, individual person.

Even if I tell them my accomplishments IN school. They (not meaning my friends but their families and my relatives) will go
"oh... well, we would expect you to have ranked higher, I mean, you had nothing to do after 3 pm every day afterschool while MY son goes to school till 9 pm."
"Geez, all you guys do is projects! You can even take the college examination TWICE! You have the easy life Ruolan!"
"So, you don't have to go to school on a saturday? Oh wow... *shakes head* American Education..."
"You ranked only 5th? Among a bunch of dumb Americans?! You used to be second in 3rd grade! "

Facing all those stares, I would open my mouth to argue. But with a pinch my mom would silence me. "They are your ELDERS, you don't argue with your ELDERS unless you are an illmannered girl!"

I can just imagine their faces as my mom tells them "my daughter is going to UW", they'll be like "U where?!" and while my mom launches into this lengthy explanation about how UW is great for medical programs etc etc. They'll slowly nod their head, "yeah, mmhmmm, absolutely" but every facial expression shows their true feelings "You failure of a daughter, after your parents paid so much money for you to live in America, all you managed to do is to get into some unknown school!"

You! With the Football, say CHEESE!

2004-10-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

I didn't go take pictures of JV football today. Scott needed the camera cuz he's super behind on waterpolo so I said he could take it since I have about 60 pictures of JV already. Though, I still need to go to at least one more game. ARG. Not having a camera when i need one makes me MAD! Though the good news is that we ordered a EOS Digital Rebel through yearbook and hopefully it'll come by tommorrow so that I can take it with me to the milwaukie game tommorrow night.

Its funny, two years ago, I considered football to be the most barbaric sport ever invented. Left over from the primitive tribal feuds no doubt. Well, in a way, I still think that, except I've fallen in love with taking pictures for football. Despite it always being dark at Varsity games and despite how I can almost never see where to football goes, everything turns out alright and happy when I DO get a excellent shot of Nick Lomax or some QB with a football. LOL.

Here's my understanding of Football. Referee blows whistle and both teams crouch with someone holding a football on the ground (excellent time to take a picture RIGHT in between those two lines of crouched guys). Then the whistle blows again and the football gets passed to the QB, he usually backs away from the dogpile of human bodies so that I can get a good shot of him passing the football to one of the guys that's run ahead. If I'm fast enough, I can catch a person catching (or missing) the football and gets run over by a hoard of people from the other team. The whistle blows, and everybody gets disentangled, for some reason, the players go back into the sidelines and new players come out, that time period's excellent for capturing guys congratulating each other or in some cases walk back with disappointment on their faces.

Though, I heard beating Milwaukie's cake tommorrow, so maybe I won't get as many "disappointment" pictures. I am excited, however, taking pictures at Football games means not talking to my friends or actually WATCHING the game. I get so focused on only a section of the field, where the ball is, snapping pics at the right time and running back and forth as the players make their way to the end lines that I, most of the time, have no idea what's going on in terms of scores, downs, time etc. Another major disadvantage about standing on the sidelines is that I don't get such a nice view of the football players as I do if I were to watch them from the stands, with their backs to the crowd.

But enough of that. I am off to pray to the photography gods to bless me with great photos tommorrow!

wow

2004-10-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am 18

Damn you hormones!

2004-09-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

Giant mood swings are killing me this week. One second I feel like I am up in bright pink clouds, floating away toward disneyland. And then suddenly, I fall flat on my face into a cayon of sharp rocks stabbing my till I just have to cry. Two minutes later, I would start laughing at my own patheticness and after 1 minute of that, begin to jab at myself with a pencil cuz I felt so angry at me being me.

Yes, all that happened in 30 min while I was talking notes in Biology yesterday. Half an hour of wanting to scream, laugh, jump and cry at the same time! Most agonizing 30 min I've ever been through! And what's more, I don't friggin know what's wrong. Why am I like this?! Even a day later, I couldn't settle down. ARG! *Tearing my hair out*

*sigh* At least tommorrow's a friday and I can lose myself among the pictures and the crowds of people at the football game.

Cameras Ready.....Shoot!

2004-09-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

I spent sometime time figuring out Mrs. Brown's beautiful camera. Canon Digital Rebel. $1500 dollars. Its amazing that she's given the camera to me till next week so that I can take pictures of the Civil War game this friday. I am excited! The pictures from last game didn't turn out so well cuz I didn't know how to change the shutter speed/apetures and the ISO stuff. But now, I am armed and ready! YAY! No more sorry-looking girl standing beside LO Review photographers with 300 mm Telephoto Lense. Now its time to make all the OTHER photographers on the side lines jealous!

Anyway, this week has gone by pretty fast. Its almost wednsday and it still feels like Monday for some reason. Looking forward to this weekend! Wheee!!

2004-09-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

JV football, YEAH!

2004-09-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Check out my photography skills people!

2004-09-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

The Sahn Team 2004!

2004-09-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

Jame's computer decorated with Beckham pictures! Bwahahaha!

2004-09-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Me and Ginny at the Annual Lab Dinner!

2004-09-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

Jack, Robert, Me and Rober's Cousin at a cafe the night before I left for the US. BTW, there is no such thing as underage drinking in China. Nice huh?

A Sixth Grade Senior

2004-09-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

So someone knocked on our door this morning and my mom ran to get it. Soon after, I heard these monotone voices of two boys memorizing different kinds of popcorn they are selling for Boy Scouts. As usual, my mom didn't understand a word and didn't know what to do. So I went downstairs and told them we'll take caramel popcorn.

While we are all waiting for my mom to write up the check, I ask the two little boys what grade they are in. They both said "fourth grade!". And as a joke, I asked them "Guess how old I am?". I was expecting both of them to laugh or something, because obviously I appeared to be A LOT older than them, right? WRONG. The boys replied in a unsure, questioning tone: "Sixth grade?"

To which I nod my head and said "yep!"

I think senioritis is starting to hit me. I didn't do any work today. I don't feel too guilty.

And, I'm starting to like beer.

Thinking About Thoughts

2004-09-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I am a senior. Its like someone pinching me whenever I hear myself addressed as "senior". The only change in me that I can tell in these four years is that I've become....sadder... no, maybe a better word is more pessimestic.

I knew what career I want to pursue since the age of three. I knew my major since middle school. And since freshman year, I wanted to go to UW. But all of the sudden, when it is time for me to applyt to college. I don't know anymore. Its like my foundations crumbling underneath me. It was a given that I shall be a doctor, but that given's not so solid anymore. What if I am unhappy at UW or whatever college I go to? What if I don't get into a good medical school resulting in me not able to find a job. All throughout high school, all I needed to do was to keep my grades up. Never had I thought about actually learning so I could MAKE A LIVING.

And, that's what will give me pressure in college. I have lived under my parents' wings all my life, it scares me to think that all of the hard times at school are nothing compared to what I will eventually face. Maybe the hospitals in China wouldn't want me cuz I don't know any chinese to be able to diagnose and prescribe medicine. What if, in the middle of med school, I decide that: I can't do this, this is too hard, I'm going to be a nurse instead. Not that there is much wrong with that. Its just, I suddenly remembered a picture I drew when I was eight with me and a friend in front of Harvard Med School. And where is that image now?

Other people all think that I could do it. But they don't know me, they don't know my weaknesses and more weaknesses. I will seek the easy way out, I will choose to give up on things just like I had done on Piano, art, swimming etc.

WTF. Why am I thinking so much?! Yeah, yeah, I am weighed down by my thoughts and by my fears. I should think less and just do whatever I need to do.

I've been scared of falling ever since I could walk. My parents was so curious when they observed that unlike other children who'd run before they'd learn how to walk properly, I'd take each step carefully. While the other kids ran down the steps, fell, cried and got up again. I am still at the top of the stairs, testing each step with my toes before I put my foot down.

Why am I so cautious? I should learn to fall and get up again so that I am not so afraid of heights, so I can soar up into the sky. Yes that's the way out of this pit, don't think. Just do it.

I'll start with my math reading.

Ye Ole Spaghetti Factory

2004-09-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

My dad left for Boulder this morning so for dinner, I suggested tha me and my mom go out to eat at Old Spaghetti Factory. MMMMMM the food was AMAZING! And the atmosphere was comfy homey. I think I want to have my B-day party there. But... a 18th birthday at old spaghett factory sounds kind of... unradical. Haha.

Enough!

2004-09-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

So I have returned to America. The past couple of days have been spent trying to get over Jetlag, which is surprisingly easy for me this time, maybe because I had so much to do to get ready for school. I didn't allow myself to sleep when I wanted too and forced myself to sleep when I didn't want to.

I have found through this trip back that I am more and more distant from my friends in China. I don't want to admit it, but there are so many things they have in common that I don't understand. Like High School Examination, latest TV shows there or military training etc. etc. So many things that I am not part of and thus, can never understand. I don't think I'll ever fully fit in in neither country. But most people live in between and I'll just have to get used to that.

Some of my friends in China treat me like guests, which I can't stand after awhile. Kobe always wants to carry my shopping bags for me (which I could perfectly manuver by myself, thank you). And Rob and Jack always pays the bills in whatever restaurant or coffee shop. I feel guilty because I really am not that special. I'm not as smart or hardworking as them, I am just a lucky person that got to live in the United States. Bottom line, I didn't have to fight my way here, my parents did everything, bought, payed and worked for everything. I just tagged along like a piece of baggage and viola, here I am going red in the face with shame whenever somebody goes "WOW! Lanlan, you are so SMART!"

What if I don't get into a good college? What if we have to go back to China and tell everyone that I am going to whatever unknown college in America (which is every other college except the ivies to them). Who's fucking life am I living?! I can't say to my parents that "its my life, I'll do what I want with it" because I know they only want the best for me and being only 17, I don't have any grounds to argue what is best because I honestly don't know. I don't know if I'll be happy at UW or at NW or at Cornell. And since I have no idea, it seems to my parents (the other part of me) that the only logical way is to try to get into the bestest colleges and then at least, I'll have the IVY name behind me as I am applying to med school.

Sometimes I feel that I am not myself at all. Maybe because I have two lives, one in China and one in the US. Or maybe because I don't have any sense of self.

What they all say is "Just trying your best honey, we'll be proud of you and it'll be enough if you tried your best!". But what is "best"?! They always think you can do better and thus, you can NEVER try your "best". Whatever I do, It is just not enough.